Sunday, November 26, 2017

Everyday is a gift

This Saturday I ran into an old acquaintance, I know his sister and asked how she is doing. The response I got was not one I hoped for. I used to run with her in my using days and we were quite close. She was like a sister to me. He told me she is still hooked on drugs, has overdosed 4 times in which a few resulted in being narcaned. She also lost custody of her son completely as she will never get to see him again. My heart breaks for her. I knew her before we used drugs. She had so much work ethic, potentional, she always wanted a baby.. It took her years to finally be able to conceive. When she does it gets all taken from her by her drug use and choices. People become so judgemental when a parent loses custody due to drug use. I know it all to well. If your read my earlier posts you'll know my sister has custody of my oldest because of my drug use. What people don't understand its a choice at first to use but then it becomes part of you. Part of your life. Then when all the shit catches up to you. All the pain and hurt, you keep using to try and forget it all. But you can't escape it, no matter how hard you try its always there. So you put that needle in your arm and hope it all away. When you wake up and its still there, you use so more. Its a vicious cycle some only can break by death itself. Its absolutely heartbreaking to live or watch. I'm one of the lucky few. I survived my addiction with 3 years clean and counting my 4th year. I'm proud of who I am today. I can now be a mother to both my daughters and be a positive role model. It isn't an easy thing to do. Addiction is always hiding around the corner waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But when it does ill be damn ready to knock it down. I pray for all those struggling and hope you can look at me and believe you can do it. Becoming sober you true my have to believe in yourself when no one else does.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Grateful

3 years ago I was consumed in my own he'll that I created for myself. Needles everywhere, track marks covered my body, and I wouldn't leave my room. Depression filled my whole being after I lost custody of my daughter. Now fast forward to today, I have two beautiful daughters (one is the one I lost custody of) the other I found out I was pregnant with and it made me straighten out. I write this as I'm sitting waiting to pick up my daughter from school! I never thought I would be able to get back to this point in my life. Gratefulness and love fills my heart today. Now longer will I be a victim of my past. My monsters are slayed and I am a victor. You to can become a victor and rise. Wear your past proud. I know right now when your deep in your addiction it seems immpossible but I promise it's not. It gets easier. It will take time but the reward of your loved ones saying they are proud of you or they were so scared of losing you and they're glad to have you back its so worth it. Don't give up! Keep trying!!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Update on where i am Today


Because of recovery this happened!! I have been sober since April 1st 2015. Let me tell you it has been pretty amazing. I got married to the love of my life whom has stood by me in my addiction days, dcfs day, to now my sober days. Its been a struggle and i know it will always be a battle. But i got my sword and im ready to fight always. If you've been following my blog since the beginning im sure you noticed two little girls in the picture. My precious little one that my sister adopted is there! My family after my youngest was born accepted my husband into the family and ever since its been so much less stress and i can see my daughter so much more. I take her over to my place quite a bit or i go over to my sisters. Which is like a block away might i add :) Addiction slowly took away my life and recovery gave me a new one. Its taught me to never take anything for granted because what you have now is what someone has been dreaming for. Its to never judge anyone from their past because you haven't lived it. Its to live life like each day is your last. Recovery is to have the best smile and attitude possible cause after all you have lots of life to make up from your using days. Its to live your life to the fullest and remember family is whats most important :)
Thanks for reading. love always Susie

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The power of believing in YOURSELF


I've been pondering on this alot recently, on how much believing in yourself impacts your sucesses in life especially recovery. It can be a night and day difference. For me, it was and still is.  Looking back to the beginning of my journey to sobriety, i didnt think i could do it. I had no confidence or belief that i could stay sober for long periods of time. I felt that my family and no one around my believed i could either. So what happened? I continued to relapse over and over again over stupid little things that "normal" people deal with on a daily basis. If i had a trigger to use, I'd use. If someone said the wrong thing to me , whether hurtful or just plain rude, I'd use. Writing it now sounds ridiculous that I'd let everyday life situations get to me that bad that I'd use drugs everytime. But i didn't believe i could stay sober through the hard times so i never did. Now whether or not people believe I'm going to stay sober forever or not i don't care. Why? Because i believe in myself. Even when no one else does i know at the end of each day i can look in the mirror and be proud of where i am today compared to where i used to be. I can look at myself and say another day sober. Im pushing about 7 months of sobriety and i couldnt be more grateful and blessed. I love where my life and future is heading. Everyday is another exciting day of my new blessed and happy sober life. I abosolutly love it! So i encourage you to believe in yourself always. Don't think of the can'ts in life, think of the I CANS. Its amazing all the things you can accomplish when you have confidence, self esteem, and the belief in place.
Love you all and i believe in you. 
God Bless- Susie

Life never stops moving

Its been a while fellow readers. Sorry once again, just like the title of this blog life never stops. It really never does as much as you want it too. My life has truely been so busy and hectic lately. Both filled with positive and negatives. So let me catch you up on things. We found out recently we are having a baby girl, ive gotten the nursery almost done :) I've been working overtime every week while trying to find time to spend time with both families, my Fiance and his son, My sister, her kids, my daughter she adopted and over all just a break for life. My grandma passed away recently and its been hard to take in. For me, it was unexpected. I miss her so much and wish she could be here to meet her great grand daughter. But she's in a better place with her husband, my grandpa, whom shes been waiting a very long time to see again. With everything i've been dealing with lately I have been slacking on my recovery quite a bit. We've been going to meetings, yes. But i haven't been writing down my feelings and thoughts on different subjects which truely help me more than i probably know. One that really has been bothering me lately is the fact that we all can recover if we put our hearts into it and truely  believe in ourselves but all around me i see people who have such great potential just dont use it. I see  people i know from my past relapsing left and right. Im saddened when i see this vicious cycle happening everywhere. I truely see their souls being taken away from them slowly. It definitly changes my perspective on how i see things. Makes me realize what all my loved ones went through when i was deep in my addiction. The hopelessness feeling of wanting to help someone regain their soul and spirtual being they are lossing due to the devil of drug use. But knowing there is absolutly nothing you can do for this person because only they can have the want and drive to do it themselves. You can give them all the tools and resources to get and stay sober. But at the end of the day its up to them. Is the want and desire to change their way of living there? If so, how bad? Are you willing to go to any lengths to do it? I know for myself it took losing everything i have ever loved to get sober. I do have lots of regrets, wishing i could have stopped sooner. But i can't live in the past only in the present. That being said I'm very grateful for my sobriety, it has given me a fresh start. I have an amazing job that i truely love, a fiance whom is in recovery as well (hes my rock), a little girl on the way(due December 22nd) :), a great relationship with both my familys, and of course my heavenly father. I hope all of my readers in recovery or thoses still in the battle don't give up hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going. Everything does and will always get better as long as your sober.
Until next time God Bless- Susie

Thursday, July 30, 2015

the blessing from god

Sorry guys, if some of this doesnt tie to much into recovery. I just love to write and this is my life and i can relate alot of my life right now to recovery. So ill try my hardest to move back to some of the posts i've done in the past. With educating you and myself on benifits and things in recovery. Right now i just have somethings i need to get off my chest and writen down. Feel free to read or skip these post that relate more to my life then recovery. This will be the last one that is off subject.  :) i promise!


After my suicide attempt, i learned i was pregnant as i mentioned in the previous posts. Your probably wondering how i feel about the whole thing after all thats happened recently. Well I'm excited for a chance to do things the right way, to have a family and not tear it apart with addiction. To keep moving forward and show everyone exactly what i can do and what I'm made of. But i'm also scared, terrified, and worried. I worry that i may not be able to do it, i worry about messing up, i worry that my daughter will resent me when shes older for having another child and doing it right with this one but i couldn't with her. There are so many worries i have about my future. But i can't continue to hold onto them, those are all what ifs. If we all lived on what ifs then we wouldnt be living we'd be worring non stop. In AA recently a old timer brought up about how he was an alcoholic for many years and his children suffered because of it. Well years pasted and he got sober, remarried, and had more children. Those children never met the drunk dad, only the loving, kind and supportive one. A respectable father. He got a second chance. Not only that but his previous children are proud of him, look up to him, and call him dad now as well. If that isn't a blessing from god i dont know what is. Him telling me all this seriously i had to hold back the tears. It gave me hope and strength to not worry. Everything will work out as long as i stay sober and continue to work my program one day at a time. I encourage each of you to look at your blessings you have in your life today. Now think back to when you were using. Not so much of blessings. Look at what you have and be grateful. Happy. Most of all be proud of your sobriety and recovery, you've come a long way.
<3 always Susie 




Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Termination


A week after i got home from highland, I had medation court with DCFS to discuss my reunfication plans to get my daughter back. Now i knew my suicide attempt was going to set back my case but what happened was not near as what i thought was going to. That morning i got awoken by a police officer at my door serving me papers for comtempt of court. My first thought was wth, they are trying to throw me in jail for attempting suicide. I called my caseworker, she then refused to tell me what was going to happen at court and to contact my lawyer. I called him and he told me that they are moving to terminate. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried and cried and cried some more. How could they do this to me? I've been reaching out and getting help with therapist, more counceling, and now i feel as if i've been given up on. So i go to mediation a complete mess and they wanted me to sign my rights over that day. I just got served the paperwork, havent had anytime to think or cope with things, and they are expecting me to sign my heart away in a matter of hours later. I couldnt do it, i need more time to think. So they dismissed the contempt of court and gave me a week. I came home and cried for hours. Screaming in pain wishing to feel anything but how i was feeling. I didnt want my sister to adopt my daughter, i wanted her home. I wanted more time to prove myself. That i can become stable, that i can continue to focus on my recovery, that i can be her mother. But time in the states eyes ran out. They gave me to many chances and i failed them all. So with days of depression and my heart being gone no where to be seen i had a decision to make. Do i sign my rights over to my sister or do i go foward with trail and lose anyways? All that they have against me, my lawyer said their is absolutly no way i will win. What i wanted and still want is to fight, even if means lossing thats what i want. To go down kicking and screaming for my heart, my little girl. But i didnt do that. I really thought about everything that has happened and where i am at today and made the decision to sign. I didn't do it for myself, if i had it my way i would have fought. But i put my family through enough in my addiction days. I put my daughter threw missing her mother enough. I was through. I signed for her. My little girl deserves a happy healthy mother who can give her everything her heart desires. I can't do that right now. Right now i'm a shattered mirror that need to be replaced and fixed. I'm in therapy and im a wreck emotionally alot of the time. She dont need to nor deserves to hear or see me cry. She dont need to see her mother in pain. I love my daughter with all my heart and alway will be her mother no matter what the state says. I gave birth to her, i raised her, and  i will always love her. Right now she's got two mommies and shes okay with that. Shes happy where she is and loves the fact that i'm over at my sisters everyday all day spending time with her. 
        I see our future as me having her on weekends and doing a shared parenting with my sister and husband. I didnt sign her away and i never will. She will always be my little girl and ill always be her mommy susie <3