Friday, March 27, 2015

Blessed Road

Being blessed. How often do we look at our struggles and past heart aches as a blessing? Do we stop to look at what good has come from our trials? Or do we continue to focus on the negative aspects of the events? Sometimes we're so fixcated on the negative that we fail to look at the bigger picture called life. Or true devine intervention as my honey calls it.  I truely believe everything happens for a reason, and i don't believe in a life full of coincidences.  Our addictions all have happened for a  reason. What that reason is may be different for each and everyone of us. But one thing is for sure, we all took what we had for granted. Now that we're sober and actually "alive" living life what blessings do we recieve everyday. That before we wouldn't take a second glace to it as being a blessing. All of us have truely lived our own personal hell and now that were sober we are in a sence in our own heaven called life. So i have a proposition for you. Now that we've read some of your storys and what all you've been through i want to hear where you are now. I want to hear the blessing that are in your life today thanks to recovery. What did your addiction give to you? Mine gave me a love to last a lifetime, a god that i now know, a chance to be the most outstanding mother and wife, and most importantly it gave me a understanding of who i am as a person. I could go for hours telling you all the positive things my addiction has given me but i know my blessings. I want to hear yours and share them in hopes that we can help someone who has no hope find hope. <3 Lets do this! Email me at mrs.madsen55@gmail.com your blessings that you've recieved from your addictions. I want to hear the blessed road you've paved.
God bless and I'll be hearing from you soon! Thank you!!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Update-

Hey blog readers! I'm so sorry i haven't been posting lately. My life has been super busy these last couple weeks. Between work, home life, and my sister moving back into town (sooo happy). I havent found any time to write or just have time for myself and when i do have time for me it seems like my motivation to do anything i love has ran out the door. So i gotta be honest I'm struggling with procrastination and depression lately. I've heard of this happening in recovery where you lose interest or desire to do things you love but i didnt think it'd happen to me. Well it has. I don't honestly know what to do about it. I'm so used to just putting on a front smiling and pretending everything is all wonderful. But this time around its different. I'm doing everything in my power to stay strong and sober. So if that means admitting i've struggling then thats what ill do. Now by struggling i don't mean I'm having any cravings or urges to use I'm past that point and that life is far behind me. But the depression and trying to find a passion for things i love keeps coming and going. So quite frankly right now i'm lost in limbo. So I'm trying to find a solution to it all. Which i do have a few:
  • Go on walks with my mother at least twice a week
  • Communicate with my family more about my struggles
  • Strife to work on and keep going towards what i love- even if i'm stuck in my slump.
 I guess in a way you could say that this is my relapse prevention plan for the time and moment being. Also another thing i'd like to add to that is to keep writing about recovery and find the time to do so. This is what helps keep my sober. Aa meetings, blogging, going to walks, talking to friends and family, keeping a structure, and just being happy. So everyone struggles but its what we make of those struggles that counts. Sometimes we have to talk it one day, minute, or second at a time. But as long as we make it through thats what matters.
Thank you all for reading my blog and listening. You truely all keep me sober by your feedback and listening to me. Together anything is possible. Hand and hand. With both feet in. We got this recovery. <3 God bless - Susie

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Kim's Story

I'm Kim, 29, born and raised in Philly, been here my whole life except for two months. I'm currently in recovery. I started smoking weed when I was 13, and by the time I was 16, had started coke, pills like Percocets, Xanax, Tylenol 3, ecstasy. Got myself off everything except pot by the time I was 17. Didn't do anything except smoke until I was around 21, 22, then started taking Percs once a month when my monthly "friend" made her visit - I would be in so much pain the first day that I could barely get out of bed and I couldn't work (was a cook in a casual dining restaurant). After about a year, I would take them here and there besides the one time a month. Met my future daughters father and he introduced me to OxyContin, telling me it was the same thing as Percs only without the Tylenol and only 50 cents a milligram instead of the $1 per milligram that Percs were. Started crushing them and snorting them. When I was 23, I decided I didn't want anything to do with them or him, and moved in with a friend of mine who lived in Florida. I wound up getting pregnant the night before I left. Got myself off them, still smoked though up until I found out I was pregnant. Moved back home, had my daughter. When she was 2 months old in July 2009, I started doing the oxies again with a friend of mine but I didn't get myself carried away, just did them once or twice a month. Finally, in August 2010, I decided I didn't want to do them anymore and got myself off them again. I got lucky because I NEVER went through withdrawal. Flash forward to March, 2011. I met my now boyfriend. He was on methadone but I didn't know until a month later when, after talking about how opposed I was to methadone, he decided to walk off his clinic and relapsed within a week. We fought about him getting high the entire time, from April until January. I had two miscarriages during that time. A month After the second one, which was December 17, I started shooting dope with him. Got pregnant again in February, found out in March. Tried to get on Subutex but the taste made me get sick, plus I realized that you can still get high when you take it. Finally, at the end of June, I got on methadone. He got back on his clinic in September. Delivered a beautiful, healthy girl in November 2012. Relapsed one time on January 24, 2013. Got pregnant again in June. I delivered my son five days after having one year clean and have been going strong since. I have gotten off the methadone.
As of writing this, I've been off it for 6 days, and clean from heroin for almost 26 months.

Emily's Story


I'm 40 y/o 'gal, I am an alcoholic-addict in recovery. On Feb.15,2007, I was rushed to the hospital - throwing up blood, confusion, bloody nose, bloody everything, the works, I went into a COMA for SIX days, I awoke, and had no clue as to who these 'loving' people around me were. I couldn't walk I couldn't write, I couldn't FEED myself. It took 10 days to be able to stand up and hold up my own body weight. I was addicted to Heroin and Alcohol. I'd been homeless for 2 years and living out under freeways, occasionally in a tent until we'd accidentally catch it on fire - candles. Two(2) months were in my car (w/ an old boyfriend of mine who i began my IV addiction with, he's since been shot and killed by an L.A. police officer, this was in 2002?) 'til that car was towed w/ nearly every last belonging of mine, i 'got' to watch them tow it away. I arranged myself up with a new addicted homeless partner during these 2 years homeless, wherein drinking became an ALL DAY EVERY DAY necessity. I have been arrested several times for vagrancy, panhandling off of freeway exit ramp, drinking in public, physical altercations w/ my 'then' partner, never any drug-charges fortunately.I'd been using Heroin (IV)for 2 years total heroin use (5 yrs+) and most every other illegal drug that there be. I spent many o' nights in SF General Hospital, with staff infections, swelling, abscess in my throat, wherein I literally had the breathing capability of a tiny coffee stirring straw, I had over 2 dozen seizures, usually when i couldn't beg enough cash to buy a drink, i'd been punched in the face by 3 separate men on 3 separate occasions, i'd been escorted by the fire dept to Sf-general Hospital due to the 'then' partner having smacked my head against the asphalt, repeatedly, for hiding the dope and laughing at his desperation for it, this happened on a major holiday - wherein the dope wasn't easy to find, and not a lot of businesses were open, so, the fire department - 3/4 long blocks away, was my only hope in escaping any more head-trauma. they set up a restraining order for me - against this person - which is still in effect to this day. *back to 2/15/07 : I had continuous seizures from the withdrawal of the alcohol (and the methadone that i had finally gotten onto, prior to my hospital visit, they had to PARALYZE me to stop the seizures and to do tests. This killed me for FOUR minutes. The doctor's told my mother & father, to prepare for a funeral and it's costs, and that IF I DID come out of the coma, i would be -brain-damaged severely to where the costs of taking care of me should also be considered. It's a long story, which i did, and STILL DO keep logged in journals. They've assisted much in remembering. The long story i have on paper, the memory-loss is my depression-center. I had alcoholic hepatitis, @40yrs, I have Cirrhosis of my liver.
It's crazy-fortunate that i am alive today. Now I hold each day in a major state of gratitude. It's not supposed to be easy. A New Life.

Dave's Story

My story begins back in 1987. March 29, 1987 to be exact. I was ten years old, and that's the day my life changed forever. My mother died of cancer at age 31. I remember instantly becoming angry at God and resentful at everyone who still had their mothers. I felt so much less than everyone else, and I hated it. My dad remarried a couple years later. I remember being happy for him, and I was anxious to have a motherly figure in my life again. However, things did not go the way I expected. Instead, I found another resentment. She and I were as different as night and day, and as much as she denied it, she clearly showed preferential treatment to her kids, and my sister and I could do nothing about it.
Meanwhile, I had been playing football since the fall before my mom died. As I got in to high school, it became my identity...my first drug. It allowed me to escape all the rage that I had built up and couldn't share with my dad or stepmother. I was a good student also, and at the end of high school, I found myself with an offer to play college football at a very good school. I had avoided alcohol and drugs for fear of losing football, and as college began, I drank minimally. But, that first fall, my football career came to an end due to a shoulder injury. All of a sudden, my world turned upside down. My identity was gone, and I had no idea what to do with my time. Naturally, I thought I'd take advantage of my new found freedom and enjoy partying, so I started drinking. By the end of my senior year, I was a full blown alcoholic, but somehow managed to graduate and land a job in retail management, making pretty good money. I was on my own, with my own income, and having the time of my life, so I thought. The alcohol allowed me to be a different person. However, my lifestyle soon caught up with me, and I couldn't afford to keep it up, so I made the decision to bounce checks to continue to go out, and it cost me my job. I thought surely I'd find another one quickly and that I had just made a mistake, but the day I was fired was 9/10/2001. The next morning, the 9/11 attacks occurred and the job market disappeared. After a couple months, my father suggested I try the car business. They were the only people hiring and some guys my dad taught had made a decent living. It was only supposed to be temporary, but I fell in love. At that time, selling cars was very profitable, and more than that, the managers had a philosophy of work hard, play hard, so I was home. Shortly after, they hired a guy that turned out to be one of the biggest cocaine dealers in town, and I met my second love. I had experimented in college, but I quickly became his best customer. However, being a costly drug, once again, I was bouncing checks to keep up. This time it had legal consequences. I was initially put on probation, but didn't change anything I was doing, so I found myself in jail for 45 days. When I got out, I decided I was going to stop the cocaine, but I kept drinking, so things didn't last long. Quickly, I was at a new dealership and doing the same things. Somehow, I got promoted to a sales manager, and was allowed to handle money. I ended up taking some money, and found myself in trouble again. Once again, I got probation, but somehow managed to not get caught. I bounced around for a while and landed at a dealership a friend was working in. I was doing ok for a change, until I hurt my back pushing a stalled vehicle. I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease and given a prescription of narcotic pain meds. It was then that I met my next love. I quickly began taking more and more, and a friend introduced me to a guy who was going to a doctor in Florida. About that time, I got a settlement from workers comp, and life was great. I had money and and endless supply of pills. However, I went through the settlement in record time and could no longer even afford to keep seeing the doctor in Florida. I had become unemployable because I was high all the time. I tried waiting tables for a while so I could have money daily, but I was always high, and they knew it, so I couldn't even do that anymore. I was living with two guys who both sold pills, and we all shot up together. But, I could no longer afford anything, and they got tired of fronting me and never getting paid, so they cut me off. One day, one of them was gone, so I broke in to his room and stole his stash. A couple days later, when he got home, I was quickly figured out, and kicked out of the house. I only had time to load a small gym bag with a few clothes. Mind you my car had broken down, so I had no transportation. It was the middle of November, it was cold, and it was raining. I set on on foot for a friend's house that was close, but he wasn't home. The only shelter was a dog house in the backyard. I crawled in, loaded a syringe with the last 400 mg of OxyContin I had stolen, and shot up with hopes of killing myself. I couldn't go on any longer. I remember starting to fade and thinking how happy I was that it would be over. The only problem was that I woke up a few hours later. I was broken, and had no money or place to go, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I walked to a gas station and called my father. I figured I'd stay with them until I figured things out. They had different plans, though. I was told I was no longer trusted enough to stay there, and my stepmom suggested I go to the Hope Center, a homeless shelter in Lexington, KY. I was angry, but it got me no where. I stayed at my parents for two nights, and that Tue morning, my dad drive me to the Hope Center and dropped me off. I was scared to death, and thought I was different than everyone I saw. While in intake, the girl doing my paperwork asked why I looked so bad. 
For the first time, I told someone I had a problem with alcohol and drugs. She instantly called someone, who ended up being the detox unit staff and they decided that's what I needed first. Mind you, my plan was to only stay there long enough to convince a friend to let me couch surf. During my second day in detox, someone came in to talk to the guys in detox. It turns out he was from the recovery program that they offered that was part of the Hope Center. For the first time in my life, I could relate to what someone was saying. When he left, I got up, asked to use the phone, and called my dad. The program was six months and you couldn't work, but dad assured me that if I was doing the right thing, I would have everything I needed.
After detox, I spent the next six weeks sleeping on a mat in the shelter hallways, mixed in with the homeless population. I wasn't serious about recovery at first, but that changed at the beginning of Feb. my stepsister had a baby, but he died at 7 days old of a genetic defect. Like any good alcoholic or addict, I was caught up in my own grief. However, a guy that worked in the program suggested I pray. I laughed at him, but he insisted I try it. That night, lying in my bunk in the dorm, I was restless. All of a sudden, what he said came to mind and I tried it. A few minutes later, I felt peace and went right to sleep. The next day, I made a decision to try recovery for real. The program used Recovery Dynamics, which taught about the 12 Steps, and I was introduced to AA. I got a home group, got a sponsor, and began working the 12 Steps. As it turns out, that cold, rainy November night was my last use. It was November 14, 2009.
I completed treatment on June 7, 2010. I was in the directors office with the two other guys that completed that day. He excused them, but asked me to stay. He reached in his desk and pulled out a contract, and offered me a position as a peer mentor, to stay on and help teach Recovery Dynamics and oversee the clients in the program. I discovered I had a passion and ability to teach recovery. I did that for nearly two years. In Feb of 2012, I was due for a promotion that I had been promised. One Friday I was hired, and the next Friday I was told they promoted too many people and I was the least senior, so I was getting passed over. I was devastated, but in the midst of my pity party that weekend, I managed to apply for a mental health tech position at the psych hospital in town. They called on Monday, interviewed me on Tue and Wed, and I was told they wanted to hire me. However, a week went by, and I thought my background got in the way. Finally, though, literally a week later, they called and said they had created a position for me because they were beginning Recovery Dynamics, and wanted to know if I would accept a position as an addiction specialist. Naturally I accepted. One year later, I was promoted, and today I am the Adult Addictions Supervisor, I will finish my masters in addictions counseling this year, and I am still active in my personal recovery. I go to meetings, write inventory, and sponsor guys trying to find their way. I also got asked to become an assistant high school football coach, and got to resume that passion, as well. All as a result of recovery.
Being in recovery is like being a pumpkin at Halloween. God picks you from the patch, washes all the dirt away, opens you up and removes all the seeds of guilt, shame, remorse, and doubt, puts a smile on your face, and places his light inside you for all the world to see.

Haley's Story

My name is Haley. I am a heroin addict. I have only been an addict for about a year but what I have endured and put my self through is stuff I never expected. I am a 23 year old single mother. I was with their father for six years and endured a nasty breakup. I met a new guy a few months after The break up and fell madly in love. Then heroin was introduced. I never used any drug but heroin which is surprising because usually you experience with others but he introduced it to me and I was iving right away because that's what he did and he always did it for me. I blew 3000$ in one week and that was suppose to go towards my daughter's school supplies and clothes but it didn't. Then we became homeless, living in a tent, panhandling everyday just so we could score. We were buying 10 bags a day no matter what. If we had to steal from Wal-Mart and return items for gift cards we did. We spent hours panhandling since it was easy cash. He was running from the law for a probation violation and a cop stopped us one day for panhandling. He obviously went to jail which opened my eyes because I also went to jail for a false statement to a cop. This was my first charge and never went to jail. I was traumatized. But this didn't stop me. I stayed clean for a week after he went to jail which was February 6. After a week of being depressed and beating my withdrawals I was bored and wanted dope. I went to panhandle for one bag. Bad mistake. This started it back up after a week clean. Then I went on another binge risking panhandling while being out on bond. I didn't care, I wanted to die because I thought I lost my best friend and the love of my life. Well then I met a guy named Brandon. He's a recovering addict and is on suboxone. He relapsed one time with me and after that he helped me get clean. 
So now I've been clean 6 days. He sees my true potential and loves me for me and our relationship isn't based on heroin. I opened my eyes and saw I was blinded by dope and my ex fiance is still in jail and if he would have never went I would still be an active user. This time I truly want to stay clean and I am finally happy and at peace with my life. Even though it's only 6 days I am so proud of myself. I am ready for my new beginning and being clean. Since my now boyfriend is helping me with suboxone he's being smart and I will only be on it a week. I do not want to be addict to that drug as well. Life is finally looking up!

Elizabeth's Story

  • My story started when i moved to tremonton. A whole different place than what i was used to i was a good girl. A little rebellious bit no drugs no alcohol nothing i didn't want to be like my father. He was hardly even in the picture even when he was he wasn't there for me. I met a crowd of "stoners" i felt i belonged in and felt comfortable with them. Most popular girls in tremonton. They partied and such. At home was not perfect disastrous toxic. My step father had a lot to do with that. He took a lot out on me even admitted it once. I always felt like the black sheep in my family compared to his children my step brother and sister. They did no wrong. I found peace and solace in pills. Lortabs to be exact. It started off my mom just giving me some for cramps. I liked the way it felt to be dropped low. At first it was only a few pills here and there. I found a few friends that did it as well and i did it with them at school. One particular friend was you Susie. We always brought pills if i didn't you did and wed always go in the bathroom no one used took out our texts books and crushed the pills and snorted them. It stemmed from there. I have ocd so with my pill use, i had a schedule/routine. Before i went to school. When i got to school, after first period, lunch, then after fourth, then when i got home, and before bed. It was a cycle everyday. But it was mild and just the beginning of my downfall. My use continued and i moved to other pain killers. Thanks to my mom. I stole her pills that she got for her fybromyalgia. Wasn't enough to notice. When we moved back to Brigham it got worse i found taking then rather than snorted lasted longer ans gave me a stronger long lasting high and i found myself taking handfuls at a time. My mom would hide them and i always found them. Always. Then i met my fiance whom I'm still with today. Now before i met him i already had the chance to try heroin bit when i met him he told me he was recovering due to the fact he didn't want me to run off if i found out he used heroin. Bit he sold it i didn't mind. But finally after watching his friends smoke it and see the high it gave them i wanted it i craved it and i told Chris which then he told me he used still and would let me try it once. He broke out the tinfoil and straw and taught me how to smoke it. It was bliss. It was the lowest i felt and i loved it. I immediately fell in love. And according to him it wasn't good heroin so he'd let me try it once more. He didn't want me using. But it ended up me using everyday though my fiance didn't smoke he injected. I was fine with that but he wouldn't let me see him shoot up. I met one of his friends the was a dealer and we dealt with him. I was spoiled id start to help cut out grocery sacks for them and the dealer would just take a chunk out of the gram and say here enjoy let us handle this. Id have enough to last me a full day of smoking and some in the morning. It was everyday thing. We had all the heroine we wanted. Then it got to the point of us hustling money everyday just yo get a b of heroin for the day. We stole from people. We borrowed money without paying back. At this time we lived at my fiances moms. We moved out temporary at my moms friends who let us love there as a live in baby sitter. We stole money from her. And finally two weeks before she kicked us out we got clean and started taking subutex. For those who don't know what that is. Its name is buprenorphine. It closes the centers in your brain that allow you to get high. Its an opiate blocker and can cause you to get sick if you get high. One day we were at a friends house and they went into our room and found a very old rig and kicked us out so back to his moms a month and a half clean. We were homeless fir a few days almost slept in a local park until his mom agreed to let us back as my parents refused to let me back. We said fuck it lets go for another run so we did back to hustling to get balloons of heroin everyday. And while all this using i didn't care i still to this day think it was the happiest tome in my life even though i used to escape me demons and lock my skeletons on my closet. 
  • In October of 2013 we stopped using and got clean started back on the subutex and we've been clean for two and a half years with only ONE mess up. Getting clean with a partner is difficult you fond different things in each other sober than when using. Bit our love was what got us through our sobriety. And we've stayed strong. During our use and getting clean we were on the edge of a cliff holding each others shirts so we didn't hit rock bottom and it saved us. My addiction started from mental abuse through my whole life. A neglectful father who never wanted us. Then a step father who made my life hell and does so still. I wanted to feel wanted and drugs seemed to be the way yo do that. I didn't go to rehab or meeting or anything i got clean by myself with my fiance. I'm not saying the program doesn't work i just chose not to. I faced my demons myself I'm strong. It has taken two years for us to get where we are now getting our g.e.d we have a nice apartment and my fiance has a great job a career. Were happy but we are boring most days. And that's okay. I lost everything in my life because of the beautiful intoxicating monster i held hands with and walked down the beautiful monsters path. I'm working my way back up that horrible path and I'm almost turning to the right one. Recovery is possible and its the best thing ever to say om sober i defeated my addiction. And i thank god everyday for my will power and my family and for bringing my fiance in my life. Addiction is not a joke. And I've been told to go shoot up with my std infested needle's and die. If you have a family member that is an addict don't punish them, if its your child don't beat them down, don't sit and go at least I'm not a dirty drug addict blah blah. Addicts need SUPPORT and understanding and need to know help is out there other wise recovery isn't gonna be an option. I'm living proof of that. I'm sharing my story so other people can see another side of addiction. I hope this helps at least one person. If your an addict its okay. Its okay to ask for help. There are wonderful programs and detox and doctors that want and their job is to help!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Twist of Fate- Life After Addiction

So i got this absolutely amazing idea from a friend that I'm going to introduce into my blog this month. She pointed out that she thought my blog was great but its missing that everyone enters recovery from their addictions differently. She wanted to share her story on how she faced her monsters of addiction head on and won. Now how she faces her recovery and how she continues to win and stay sober. Also she recommended getting other peoples addiction and recovery stories to share. I seriously can't wait to share all the stories from others and hear how they did it! The inspiration its going to give me and many others is phenomenal to think about. Not only that but to see the similarity's in our stories and the differences.  But my main key point i want to focus on is how everyone accomplished so many things we all thought wasn't possible. How so many people thought we'd just be a bunch of nothings for the rest of our days. To show other addicts whether still actively using or a newcomer to sobriety that anything is truly possible if we set our minds to it. Someone once told me if we only chase our recovery like we chased the dope man we'd all be millionaires. Well many people fail to realize that there are hundreds if not thousands of us out there doing just that. We may not be millionaires with lots of money but we're millionaires in a different way. With something money can't buy, all the love and motivation in the world is what we're rich at. Just think not only are we chasing our recovery, we're running with it every single day! Striving, making it a mission not just a goal to make a difference in not only our life but others. That is what were rich with. Service to ourselves and others. 
                   Now anyone who is a recovering addict or knows someone who is and would like to make a difference in someones recovery by sharing yours or their story get a hold of me by commenting below or finding me on Facebook. For every story we share we are making a difference in someones life without even realizing it. The more we share, the more were helping others stay sober. Its time for us to remove that stigma of being ashamed of being an addict and embrace it! Show others your proud of your scars and where you came from. Your proud of who are today. That your greatest struggle became your greatest triumph! 
Thank you all so much and god bless! <3

Dissecting a Relapse&Making a Plan!

Relapsing sucks! After you've come so far in your recovery and you fall. Even if it's just a couple days sober, your trying. To feel like you've failed and let not only yourself but everyone around you down. It's like a slap in your face. You automatically feel guilt, shame, depressed, hopeless, hurt, lost, and above all a failure. You begin to wonder why you did it. You thought you were so strong in your recovery then bam! In a blink of an eye your right back to where you were before wondering what the he'll. I know I've been there. There were so many occasions of me trying to stay sober I couldn't do it. No matter how much I tried I felt hopeless. One relapse really has stuck out to me though. I was about a month sober and had to work that day but was having an off day.. So I called in claiming I was sick. I sat around bored and was thinking about everything in the past 6 months that has happened in my life. I instantly got depressed. The thought of using crossed my mind almost instantly.Then, the cravings begin to settle in. The feelings of wanting it, needing it, and the chase begun. Before i could even think about what i was doing i was well on the way to my next fix. I called an old friend to see if they had anything and i was well on my way to get high. As i began to walk to his house, my new side of my brain started to kick in. My recovery side that is. I started to beat myself up emotionally, wondering what the hell am I thinking. But it's like i couldn't stop my legs from moving. As if some other external force had taken over my body and as much as i wanted to turn around i just couldn't. The closer i got the more i prayed to god for some kind of sign that this was not part of his plan only then would i turn around. But there was no sign near in my sight that i could see. So i kept on going. I got to my friends house and within minutes i was high. The vicious cycle started all over again. Even though i was high the feelings of disappointment and worthlessness was overwhelming me to the core. What in the hell was i thinking? After everything you've accomplished Susie, come on really? After feeling all the negative emotions that follow with a relapse i then decided to get home. So i walked back home and when i get there i tred to play it off as if nothing happened. My fiance is a recovering addict as well so he's not stupid when it comes to the drug world and game. He already knew i was loaded 10 sheets to the wind. He preceded to kick me out i started yelling at him and starting all this drama. Then the missionaries showed up. Ah so much discontent going on. So i left for a while. My fiance then talked some common sense into me and i came home. When I got home, I decided to call my family, loved ones, and case worker to tell them what had happened. So after hearing my relapse lets biopsy it. 
Can you identify some of my risky behaviors that are on the list provided above? 
  • No time management skills- too much idle time 
I called into work just because. No reason at all whatsoever. Although i wasn't planning to relapse at first, i sure as hell was setting myself up with it. All that time to think and reminisce on the past with a messed up head like mine. Yeah no. Not smart thinking on my part.
  • Phone calls to old using friend
Ding Ding Ding. That alarm should have been going off in my head like no other. I already made the decision to use, now I'm calling someone about it. Why did i even have that old friends phone number? Reservation to use. I should have deleted that number and divorced that old friend a long time ago if i was serious about my recovery.
  • Going back to old "Haunts"
Ahh what was i thinking? That's all i can really say. Within the matter of just a couple hours i was setting myself up for a relapse. In recovery we call it lapsing. Which is the chain of events that lead up to our relapse. Now that we identified all the risky behaviors i was doing which lead up to the relapse. Lets make a relapse prevention plan!
               Whats your recovery motive? What do you see yourself accomplishing in 1 to 5 years? Dreams, goals, careers, anything? Really dig into that and think about it. Make a recovery vision board for yourself. Imagine all the things you want to accomplish without ever having a drink or drugs. The sky is the limit. We all crawled out of our own deep dark graves. Its time we rise up against our demons and the devil look them straight in the eye and say, "I did this, I beat you, your plan was to destroy me. Well guess what? I destroyed you!" Oh the power you will feel standing on your own sky scraper that you build with your own hard work! I can only imagine. 
                  Relapse triggers and warning signs. There are so many things out there that are peoples triggers. Certian feelings, moods, movies, books, places, things, and even words. Identifying your triggers and knowing the warning signs that follow. Know when your in relapse mode (lapsing). Write out your triggers and warning signs to give to close family and friends. Get them active in your recovery. With them active in your recovery you wont have to worry. What if I'm so deep into my lapsing and already made up my mind to use but don't even realize it? That's when Mom can step in and put your butt in check. 
               Finally last but not least, identifying your well-being needs and putting the plan into action. Now what that means is basically are you taking care of yourself? Deep in our addictions we just didn't care if we showered, went to the doctor when needed, kept on on personal hygiene, or even got out of our pajamas. We just didn't give a flying f. Now that we're in recovery, we truely care how we look or if we are healthy. The moment we stop caring again that should trigger your alarms in your recovery brain :) So now we need to put our plan into action. Write it out, carry it with you as a reminder, whatever it is you have to do to stay sober just do it. As long as you get a plan implanted into your brain is the main key and will help you in your sobriety greatly. To many times have i relapsed or seen others relapse. When i ask myself or others if they had a plan and stuck to it. Nine times outta ten they either don't have one or forgot. Please sit down and figure out a plan. Its time to get serious and real honest with others. Lets get real with our recovery! :)
Thank you for reading and god bless! <3 Susie