Overdose awareness day

March 6th is overdose awareness day. So in light of the day I’d like to share some personal stories that I had dealt with overdoses in my life.

 Two of my very close friends died of overdoses. They were brother and sister.. The brother died of a methadone and xanax overdose. He stopped breathing and passed in his sleep. This man was my high school sweetheart. We dated all throughout high school and even in the years after going our separate ways remained in contact. He had a light about him and a heart of gold. When he saw someone struggling or having a hard time he made it his mission to make them laugh and smile. He struggled himself with mental illness and addiction growing up and into his adult life but that never made him less of a person. In my eyes it made him more. He fought through his trials til he could no more. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what kind of man he might have turned into. The day I got the call that he passed I was at work. My husband at the time called me to tell me to go into the office and sit down. I knew deep down something bad had happened but was not prepared for what he said. So and so is dead (not saying names out of respect of families). I about dropped to the floor. The weeks following before the funeral, I went around and collected money with his sister for the funeral as the family didnt have enough for it. I became to bond with his sister more then i ever have. Of course ive spent time with his family and knew them from years past of our dating times. But this was different. We both had something in common, our love for him. Not only that though, we both were herion addicts. So we’d go around collect the money out of jars for his funeral, bring it to there mom and then we would go get high and use together. The day of his funeral I will never forget the pain and sadness I felt. It could cut through glass. Months after his funeral I buried my sorrow in drugs, thats when I saw the post on facebook. The sister I spent so much time with months prior had died of a herion overdose.. It was like I had to relive losing him all over again times two. That made it even worse. She was just like him in so many ways. Selfless, kind, funny, always willing to go out of her way for others. She never let addiction get the best of her, she fought it hard and wanted sobriety but like many ppl it eventually took her life. 

One thing that was very clear then and even more so now is the family and close friends never truly moves past losing a loved one. That feeling of what should have been, or could of been always will linger. Missing them and wishing they were still here never goes away. The guilt that you could have or should have been able to save them. Everyday gets easier as time passes but your love for them remains the same. The questions of what the future could have held if they were still here arise every now and then. The memories remain frozen in time as if part of your heart has been locked away in a prison as life continues to pass by. 

Overdose happen far more often then we think. In our addictions we don’t necessarily think we’re invincible but we sure as hell don’t think about death. Thats the last thing on our mind because thats a buzz kill right. What we all fail to realize or see is just how close to death we really are. Its terrifying. I don’t ever want my family to have to bury me to soon. Never do I want my husband or children to have to say mommy is in heaven. If I were to use again that could become a reality. So please in light of Overdose awareness day think about all those whom have lost their battles with this never ending disease. Also think about who have made it. Pick up the torch and pass it to others. Were all in the darkness together so why not share the fire ❤️

love you all! 

Rehab

 

This is a before and after picture of me when I got to rehab and then when I left. What made me decide to go rehab you may ask. Well shooting herion everyday sometimes all day was just getting to be too much. Sitting with that guilt, shame, and true suicidal thoughts day in and day out. I was so tired of it all. I missed that girl I once knew. The one that would smile and laugh for no reason at all. The mother that would play with her kids and do anything for them. The wife that would communicate with her husband. The woman who lived by her values and was honest always. I lost it all due to drugs. I became someone I absolutely hated. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. When I decided to go to rehab it was a feeling of relief. Soon it would all be over. The day my mother in law dropped me off at rehab and I had to hug my kids and her was extremely hard. I haven’t cried that hard in god knows when. But once i walked through those doors I could breathe again. It was as if I felt like god was holding my hand and walking me through. The pain of my addiction suddenly felt as if it had been taken off my shoulders. All the clients, staff and counselors changed my life for a lifetime and then some. One of the biggest ah ha moments i had in rehab was the realization that I wasnt only numbing all the pain I created myself but the love and support from my family. I had created a wall with my addiction and nothing was going to break it down. It was as if i was trapped deep into a well with a whole team of people trying to rescue me holding a rope yelling at me to grab it. But even with it right in front of me Id yell up what rope where?? It wasnt til I got sober for a few weeks did I realize that I had the strength to grab that rope and that I wouldn't have been doing it all alone. I had a true army of people that had my back and would have loved me through. Now this time around being sober Im not scared to let my loved ones know I need a rope or just some support. Calling people from aa just to talk or messaging them has become apart of my new normal. I tell my husband everything and especially when Im struggling. Once I talk its like the weights are lifted. That elephant on your chest disappears. If your struggling with your sobriety right now and are wondering if rehab is the right choice for you just go! I know you will not regret it. Its truely a eye opening spiritual experience that I will never forget. You grow as a person and learn about who you truely are for the better. It’s extremely hard at first. That vulnerability you have to do at the beginning feels like your heart is ripped out if your chest and stomped on! But the love you feel as all the other clients and staff members pass around your heart and say they get it, theyve been there. Thats when you begin to grow and change 🥰❤️ 

Love you all, Susie

Cravings and Triggers

Addiction is a lifelong struggle whether were in the depths of it or in recovery. I have about 60 days of sobriety and i have cravings and triggers about once a week. Little things can set me off to where i make them into huge things. Ever hear the saying turning mole hills into mountains? Us addicts are extremely good at that one! Today I’m going to walk you through my recent trigger and craving and identify what was healthy thinking and what wasn't. What was healthy behaviors and whats something I can work on. In recovery its all about remaining teachable. Get cocky and that can lead into a relapse just by thinking you know it all. 

I am recently tapering off my oxycodone that I use for pain management for my hep C. I take them as prescribed and only when I’ve tried everything to manage the pain. I know all to well about trading one addiction for another and so I’m doing all i can to make damn sure that does not happen. Even though Im not abusing my prescription, i started to crave alcohol. Its crazy to think about honestly. Just one day a thought crossed my mind, “Oh some wine would be nice tonight.” I started thinking that almost every evening for a week. I would think that then my recovery brain would kick in. What the hell susie?? Youve never been a drinker let alone like wine! Its absolutely crazy what our addictive minds will do when we go without something or start changing what were doing. I dont know for sure if its because of my taper or if its just the stress of day to day life. What I’ve learned to do with this craving is acknowledge it for what it is and know thats my addiction talking. I have to much to lose by even one drink. My healthy behaviors during these triggers and cravings is the first thing I do is think about what all I have to lose by acting on it. I get randomly UAs, never know when one is going to hit. I could potentially lose all I’ve gained with my kids and family. Most importantly my sobriety and self respect and love I’ve gained. Im far to important then any drug or drink! Now whats the unhealthy behaviors can I work on. Well the thought process, I shouldn’t even be thinking about having a drink. I know I’m extremely early in my recovery but just that I had that thought of drinking cross my mind scares me. Its unhealthy to have that thought cause I know if i were to act on it how much I will lose. So when I have my cravings and triggers I need to be one step ahead of the game and reach out to my support system. Don’t ever rely on yourself to get through them. Reach out and call your sponsor, sober friend, or a loved one. They will walk you through it and remind you of how much you are loved and how proud they are of you. There are zoom meetings every day all day online. I do one at least every day. It helps me so much and leaves me feeling  at peace and that I’m never alone in any of this! I know I’m loved by my family and most importantly god. Everyday sober is a day worth living ❤️

Hidden Blessings 2

 After being released from hospital I tried going back to work but my health was so bad i couldnt do it. So the ER doctor filled out an extension for my disability for a month. Then it just continued to go down hill more from there. I went into preterm labor and was transferred to Mckay-Dee hospital. They gave me medication to stop the contractions and started me on magnesium and steriod shots for the baby. The contractions stopped and i was sent home the following days. That friday night my water broke! Mind you Im only 29 weeks pregnant. So terrified I call my husband and he meets me at the hospital. The next night my daughter was born. She was 2 pounds 7 ounces and crying. The overwhelming feeling of relief hearing her cry for the first time. She’s absolutely perfect!! She will have to be in the NICU for a few months but everyday she’s getting stronger and moving mountains! All this was extremely stressful and scary but I’m so grateful and blessed for recovery. Everyday is a blessing, i’ve learned to count each and every one of them. When were lost in our addictions even though they are all around us we don’t seem them. We either refuse to because we’d rather sit and wallow in our hell we created or we are so caught up we dont see them. Now that im sober and i sit here looking in a incubator where my beautiful baby is I thank god for everything. Remember in your recovery to count your blessings and thank god for another day in this beautiful life ❤️

Hidden Blessings

 So to pick up where i left off, after leaving rehab i went to live with my parents and was about to go back to work when bam life hit. I was at the store with my mother and she took one look at me and said im taking you to ER. She said i was extremely yellow and looked so sick. I didnt feel sick at all but i listened to my mom and went to be seen. Next thing I know the doctors are telling me the lab work came back that my liver is close to shutting down and they are shipping me to Murray hospital. At this point I’m terrified. Whats wrong with me and how is this going to affect my baby?? So i get to Murray and they start tons of testing. Taking more and more blood and checking on the baby. The next day the doctors tell me I have Hep C.. That feeling that your  heart drops out of your body, i felt as if not only my heart did that but it hopped away. First thing i thought was im going to die so young. I have a baby on the way and more little ones at home that need their mother now and when they grow up always. My life is over. But then the doctors reassured me that after i have my daughter with 8 weeks of treatments i can be cured. Also the chance of her getting it from me is only 3%. Everything took a while to set in but once it did I began to look at this as one of many blessings about to happen. If i hadn't received this news who's to say i wouldn't have gone back out and used some more to stuff everything down not to feel. This taught me life is to damn short to be on drugs messing around instead of being the mother and wife my family deserves. It hasnt been easy living with this waiting to start treatment. I’m exhausted most of the time, I look sick (extremely yellow) to the point people ask me if im okay, which is embarrassing.. Oh and the liver pain. Some days it hurts so bad that i feel like removing the damn thing myself. All this reminds me the insanity of our addictions that we let it get so bad it costs us our health. Its been a huge wake up call and I can finally say full hearted that i will never touch a drug or drink again. This life changing experience taught me to never take for granted what we have and to be grateful always. I thank god for my Hep C. When i say that it sounds absolutely mad but if it wasnt for this i probably would have kept digging to another bottom. So if your reading this and you are struggling and need something to push you to quit digging or be grateful remember me. Look at all the bad in your life and try to find the good. Where theres bad, god is there around the corner testing you and teaching you a lesson. Try to open your eyes and perspective and look for what god wants you to see. You’d be surprised what you learn about yourself. Whether its good or bad there is something to be learned ❤️ thank you for reading. 😘😘

Rock Bottom

 You ever think your absolutely done with alcohol and drugs? Swear them off for good, gaining all your families love and trust back just to destroy it in a matter of months. Didn’t expect it to happen after 5 years on the wagon. Well it happened to me, and I’m sure its happened to many of you. It all started with just dabbling back into pain pills again. I really didn’t even realize or consider i had relapsed for it wasn’t heroin so no big deal right?? Before long I was spending as much as i could on pain pills and taking 10 or more a day. Finally that got to expensive and someone offered me heroin again. Now i knew deep down I was in for it. But that didn’t stop me. I started off just smoking it and promised myself I would NOT go back to the needle. For I wasn’t that bad. Oh the irrational thinking and justifications we use in our addictions to make us feel better. Months go by and eventually I’m back to shooting heroin. My life is a disaster by this point too. My husband knew i had a problem with pills, tried to get me to quit many many times to no avail. I just was not ready. He had no idea I had started up heroin again. That was until he found it.. Deep under our bathroom sink buried were all my old foils, needles, spoons, you name it and it was there. I was to scared to throw anything away, so i just buried it under the sink. Kind of like what we do to deal with emotions and problems in our addictions. Hows the irony in that. So he of course kicked me out and told me until i got help i couldn’t be home, it was not safe for the kids or him. I can’t say i don’t blame him. This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg.. He had no idea that I was having a almost 2 year long affair with a man I worked with. Also I’m 4 months pregnant and not totally sure whom the father is. He knew I’m pregnant just not all the details. Well he finds out and what does this man do?? Well after about a week of deciding what to do he tells me if I want we can fix my marriage and no matter who the babies father is it’s ours. What a amazing selfless loving husband I have. I cant begin to tell you how thankful I am to have him in mine and my childrens lifes. Well now that that’s taken care of what about my sobriety. I decided I needed more help then anyone could give me so I went to inpatient rehab for 30 days. It did wonders for me and my recovery. I did however have one slip the first week out but i am back on the wagon right after not looking back. Im to scared to think about using again. I absolutely have so so much to lose if i do. I’ll save the rest of this story for my next post but i just wanted to end tonight with i’m grateful. Im so blessed with all the trials and tribulations god has given me. I may be struggling with my health and emotional state due to everything going on in my life. But I’m sober doing it. I wouldnt be able to say that a month or 2 ago. God puts all these things that we consider bad or traumatic not to harm us but to show us what we’re made out of. I know I can do hard things, long as he is by my side I got this. So next time you think about using or wanting to use ask yourself what has god done for me lately? What has he taught me from my experiences on the streets or deep into addiction? Now ask yourself is it worth it? You know you can do hard things so why not keep doing them. I heard a saying in rehab that I can really really relate to lately.. Learn to be okay sitting in the uncomfortable. Sometimes we don’t like certain shit in our lifes and we’re not used to it. So we go back to our old ways. I can tell you right now If i didn’t sit through the uncomfortable moments i’ve had lately I’d be back out using fucked up. That’s not the life god wants for me and its not what he wants for you. So sit in that uncomfortable moments and do this shit. This too shall pass. God bless

Everyday is a gift

This Saturday I ran into an old acquaintance, I know his sister and asked how she is doing. The response I got was not one I hoped for. I used to run with her in my using days and we were quite close. She was like a sister to me. He told me she is still hooked on drugs, has overdosed 4 times in which a few resulted in being narcaned. She also lost custody of her son completely as she will never get to see him again. My heart breaks for her. I knew her before we used drugs. She had so much work ethic, potentional, she always wanted a baby.. It took her years to finally be able to conceive. When she does it gets all taken from her by her drug use and choices. People become so judgemental when a parent loses custody due to drug use. I know it all to well. If your read my earlier posts you'll know my sister has custody of my oldest because of my drug use. What people don't understand its a choice at first to use but then it becomes part of you. Part of your life. Then when all the shit catches up to you. All the pain and hurt, you keep using to try and forget it all. But you can't escape it, no matter how hard you try its always there. So you put that needle in your arm and hope it all away. When you wake up and its still there, you use so more. Its a vicious cycle some only can break by death itself. Its absolutely heartbreaking to live or watch. I'm one of the lucky few. I survived my addiction with 3 years clean and counting my 4th year. I'm proud of who I am today. I can now be a mother to both my daughters and be a positive role model. It isn't an easy thing to do. Addiction is always hiding around the corner waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But when it does ill be damn ready to knock it down. I pray for all those struggling and hope you can look at me and believe you can do it. Becoming sober you true my have to believe in yourself when no one else does.