Rock Bottom

 You ever think your absolutely done with alcohol and drugs? Swear them off for good, gaining all your families love and trust back just to destroy it in a matter of months. Didn’t expect it to happen after 5 years on the wagon. Well it happened to me, and I’m sure its happened to many of you. It all started with just dabbling back into pain pills again. I really didn’t even realize or consider i had relapsed for it wasn’t heroin so no big deal right?? Before long I was spending as much as i could on pain pills and taking 10 or more a day. Finally that got to expensive and someone offered me heroin again. Now i knew deep down I was in for it. But that didn’t stop me. I started off just smoking it and promised myself I would NOT go back to the needle. For I wasn’t that bad. Oh the irrational thinking and justifications we use in our addictions to make us feel better. Months go by and eventually I’m back to shooting heroin. My life is a disaster by this point too. My husband knew i had a problem with pills, tried to get me to quit many many times to no avail. I just was not ready. He had no idea I had started up heroin again. That was until he found it.. Deep under our bathroom sink buried were all my old foils, needles, spoons, you name it and it was there. I was to scared to throw anything away, so i just buried it under the sink. Kind of like what we do to deal with emotions and problems in our addictions. Hows the irony in that. So he of course kicked me out and told me until i got help i couldn’t be home, it was not safe for the kids or him. I can’t say i don’t blame him. This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg.. He had no idea that I was having a almost 2 year long affair with a man I worked with. Also I’m 4 months pregnant and not totally sure whom the father is. He knew I’m pregnant just not all the details. Well he finds out and what does this man do?? Well after about a week of deciding what to do he tells me if I want we can fix my marriage and no matter who the babies father is it’s ours. What a amazing selfless loving husband I have. I cant begin to tell you how thankful I am to have him in mine and my childrens lifes. Well now that that’s taken care of what about my sobriety. I decided I needed more help then anyone could give me so I went to inpatient rehab for 30 days. It did wonders for me and my recovery. I did however have one slip the first week out but i am back on the wagon right after not looking back. Im to scared to think about using again. I absolutely have so so much to lose if i do. I’ll save the rest of this story for my next post but i just wanted to end tonight with i’m grateful. Im so blessed with all the trials and tribulations god has given me. I may be struggling with my health and emotional state due to everything going on in my life. But I’m sober doing it. I wouldnt be able to say that a month or 2 ago. God puts all these things that we consider bad or traumatic not to harm us but to show us what we’re made out of. I know I can do hard things, long as he is by my side I got this. So next time you think about using or wanting to use ask yourself what has god done for me lately? What has he taught me from my experiences on the streets or deep into addiction? Now ask yourself is it worth it? You know you can do hard things so why not keep doing them. I heard a saying in rehab that I can really really relate to lately.. Learn to be okay sitting in the uncomfortable. Sometimes we don’t like certain shit in our lifes and we’re not used to it. So we go back to our old ways. I can tell you right now If i didn’t sit through the uncomfortable moments i’ve had lately I’d be back out using fucked up. That’s not the life god wants for me and its not what he wants for you. So sit in that uncomfortable moments and do this shit. This too shall pass. God bless

Everyday is a gift

This Saturday I ran into an old acquaintance, I know his sister and asked how she is doing. The response I got was not one I hoped for. I used to run with her in my using days and we were quite close. She was like a sister to me. He told me she is still hooked on drugs, has overdosed 4 times in which a few resulted in being narcaned. She also lost custody of her son completely as she will never get to see him again. My heart breaks for her. I knew her before we used drugs. She had so much work ethic, potentional, she always wanted a baby.. It took her years to finally be able to conceive. When she does it gets all taken from her by her drug use and choices. People become so judgemental when a parent loses custody due to drug use. I know it all to well. If your read my earlier posts you'll know my sister has custody of my oldest because of my drug use. What people don't understand its a choice at first to use but then it becomes part of you. Part of your life. Then when all the shit catches up to you. All the pain and hurt, you keep using to try and forget it all. But you can't escape it, no matter how hard you try its always there. So you put that needle in your arm and hope it all away. When you wake up and its still there, you use so more. Its a vicious cycle some only can break by death itself. Its absolutely heartbreaking to live or watch. I'm one of the lucky few. I survived my addiction with 3 years clean and counting my 4th year. I'm proud of who I am today. I can now be a mother to both my daughters and be a positive role model. It isn't an easy thing to do. Addiction is always hiding around the corner waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But when it does ill be damn ready to knock it down. I pray for all those struggling and hope you can look at me and believe you can do it. Becoming sober you true my have to believe in yourself when no one else does.

Grateful

3 years ago I was consumed in my own he'll that I created for myself. Needles everywhere, track marks covered my body, and I wouldn't leave my room. Depression filled my whole being after I lost custody of my daughter. Now fast forward to today, I have two beautiful daughters (one is the one I lost custody of) the other I found out I was pregnant with and it made me straighten out. I write this as I'm sitting waiting to pick up my daughter from school! I never thought I would be able to get back to this point in my life. Gratefulness and love fills my heart today. Now longer will I be a victim of my past. My monsters are slayed and I am a victor. You to can become a victor and rise. Wear your past proud. I know right now when your deep in your addiction it seems immpossible but I promise it's not. It gets easier. It will take time but the reward of your loved ones saying they are proud of you or they were so scared of losing you and they're glad to have you back its so worth it. Don't give up! Keep trying!!

Update on where i am Today

Because of recovery this happened!! I have been sober since April 1st 2015. Let me tell you it has been pretty amazing. I got married to the love of my life whom has stood by me in my addiction days, dcfs day, to now my sober days. Its been a struggle and i know it will always be a battle. But i got my sword and im ready to fight always. If you've been following my blog since the beginning im sure you noticed two little girls in the picture. My precious little one that my sister adopted is there! My family after my youngest was born accepted my husband into the family and ever since its been so much less stress and i can see my daughter so much more. I take her over to my place quite a bit or i go over to my sisters. Which is like a block away might i add :) Addiction slowly took away my life and recovery gave me a new one. Its taught me to never take anything for granted because what you have now is what someone has been dreaming for. Its to never judge anyone from their past because you haven't lived it. Its to live life like each day is your last. Recovery is to have the best smile and attitude possible cause after all you have lots of life to make up from your using days. Its to live your life to the fullest and remember family is whats most important :)
Thanks for reading. love always Susie

The power of believing in YOURSELF

I've been pondering on this alot recently, on how much believing in yourself impacts your sucesses in life especially recovery. It can be a night and day difference. For me, it was and still is.  Looking back to the beginning of my journey to sobriety, i didnt think i could do it. I had no confidence or belief that i could stay sober for long periods of time. I felt that my family and no one around my believed i could either. So what happened? I continued to relapse over and over again over stupid little things that "normal" people deal with on a daily basis. If i had a trigger to use, I'd use. If someone said the wrong thing to me , whether hurtful or just plain rude, I'd use. Writing it now sounds ridiculous that I'd let everyday life situations get to me that bad that I'd use drugs everytime. But i didn't believe i could stay sober through the hard times so i never did. Now whether or not people believe I'm going to stay sober forever or not i don't care. Why? Because i believe in myself. Even when no one else does i know at the end of each day i can look in the mirror and be proud of where i am today compared to where i used to be. I can look at myself and say another day sober. Im pushing about 7 months of sobriety and i couldnt be more grateful and blessed. I love where my life and future is heading. Everyday is another exciting day of my new blessed and happy sober life. I abosolutly love it! So i encourage you to believe in yourself always. Don't think of the can'ts in life, think of the I CANS. Its amazing all the things you can accomplish when you have confidence, self esteem, and the belief in place.

Love you all and i believe in you. 

God Bless- Susie

Life never stops moving

Its been a while fellow readers. Sorry once again, just like the title of this blog life never stops. It really never does as much as you want it too. My life has truely been so busy and hectic lately. Both filled with positive and negatives. So let me catch you up on things. We found out recently we are having a baby girl, ive gotten the nursery almost done :) I've been working overtime every week while trying to find time to spend time with both families, my Fiance and his son, My sister, her kids, my daughter she adopted and over all just a break for life. My grandma passed away recently and its been hard to take in. For me, it was unexpected. I miss her so much and wish she could be here to meet her great grand daughter. But she's in a better place with her husband, my grandpa, whom shes been waiting a very long time to see again. With everything i've been dealing with lately I have been slacking on my recovery quite a bit. We've been going to meetings, yes. But i haven't been writing down my feelings and thoughts on different subjects which truely help me more than i probably know. One that really has been bothering me lately is the fact that we all can recover if we put our hearts into it and truely  believe in ourselves but all around me i see people who have such great potential just dont use it. I see  people i know from my past relapsing left and right. Im saddened when i see this vicious cycle happening everywhere. I truely see their souls being taken away from them slowly. It definitly changes my perspective on how i see things. Makes me realize what all my loved ones went through when i was deep in my addiction. The hopelessness feeling of wanting to help someone regain their soul and spirtual being they are lossing due to the devil of drug use. But knowing there is absolutly nothing you can do for this person because only they can have the want and drive to do it themselves. You can give them all the tools and resources to get and stay sober. But at the end of the day its up to them. Is the want and desire to change their way of living there? If so, how bad? Are you willing to go to any lengths to do it? I know for myself it took losing everything i have ever loved to get sober. I do have lots of regrets, wishing i could have stopped sooner. But i can't live in the past only in the present. That being said I'm very grateful for my sobriety, it has given me a fresh start. I have an amazing job that i truely love, a fiance whom is in recovery as well (hes my rock), a little girl on the way(due December 22nd) :), a great relationship with both my familys, and of course my heavenly father. I hope all of my readers in recovery or thoses still in the battle don't give up hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going. Everything does and will always get better as long as your sober.
Until next time God Bless- Susie

the blessing from god

Sorry guys, if some of this doesnt tie to much into recovery. I just love to write and this is my life and i can relate alot of my life right now to recovery. So ill try my hardest to move back to some of the posts i've done in the past. With educating you and myself on benifits and things in recovery. Right now i just have somethings i need to get off my chest and writen down. Feel free to read or skip these post that relate more to my life then recovery. This will be the last one that is off subject.  :) i promise!

After my suicide attempt, i learned i was pregnant as i mentioned in the previous posts. Your probably wondering how i feel about the whole thing after all thats happened recently. Well I'm excited for a chance to do things the right way, to have a family and not tear it apart with addiction. To keep moving forward and show everyone exactly what i can do and what I'm made of. But i'm also scared, terrified, and worried. I worry that i may not be able to do it, i worry about messing up, i worry that my daughter will resent me when shes older for having another child and doing it right with this one but i couldn't with her. There are so many worries i have about my future. But i can't continue to hold onto them, those are all what ifs. If we all lived on what ifs then we wouldnt be living we'd be worring non stop. In AA recently a old timer brought up about how he was an alcoholic for many years and his children suffered because of it. Well years pasted and he got sober, remarried, and had more children. Those children never met the drunk dad, only the loving, kind and supportive one. A respectable father. He got a second chance. Not only that but his previous children are proud of him, look up to him, and call him dad now as well. If that isn't a blessing from god i dont know what is. Him telling me all this seriously i had to hold back the tears. It gave me hope and strength to not worry. Everything will work out as long as i stay sober and continue to work my program one day at a time. I encourage each of you to look at your blessings you have in your life today. Now think back to when you were using. Not so much of blessings. Look at what you have and be grateful. Happy. Most of all be proud of your sobriety and recovery, you've come a long way.

<3 always Susie