You ever think your absolutely done with alcohol and drugs? Swear them off for good, gaining all your families love and trust back just to destroy it in a matter of months. Didn’t expect it to happen after 5 years on the wagon. Well it happened to me, and I’m sure its happened to many of you. It all started with just dabbling back into pain pills again. I really didn’t even realize or consider i had relapsed for it wasn’t heroin so no big deal right?? Before long I was spending as much as i could on pain pills and taking 10 or more a day. Finally that got to expensive and someone offered me heroin again. Now i knew deep down I was in for it. But that didn’t stop me. I started off just smoking it and promised myself I would NOT go back to the needle. For I wasn’t that bad. Oh the irrational thinking and justifications we use in our addictions to make us feel better. Months go by and eventually I’m back to shooting heroin. My life is a disaster by this point too. My husband knew i had a problem with pills, tried to get me to quit many many times to no avail. I just was not ready. He had no idea I had started up heroin again. That was until he found it.. Deep under our bathroom sink buried were all my old foils, needles, spoons, you name it and it was there. I was to scared to throw anything away, so i just buried it under the sink. Kind of like what we do to deal with emotions and problems in our addictions. Hows the irony in that. So he of course kicked me out and told me until i got help i couldn’t be home, it was not safe for the kids or him. I can’t say i don’t blame him. This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg.. He had no idea that I was having a almost 2 year long affair with a man I worked with. Also I’m 4 months pregnant and not totally sure whom the father is. He knew I’m pregnant just not all the details. Well he finds out and what does this man do?? Well after about a week of deciding what to do he tells me if I want we can fix my marriage and no matter who the babies father is it’s ours. What a amazing selfless loving husband I have. I cant begin to tell you how thankful I am to have him in mine and my childrens lifes. Well now that that’s taken care of what about my sobriety. I decided I needed more help then anyone could give me so I went to inpatient rehab for 30 days. It did wonders for me and my recovery. I did however have one slip the first week out but i am back on the wagon right after not looking back. Im to scared to think about using again. I absolutely have so so much to lose if i do. I’ll save the rest of this story for my next post but i just wanted to end tonight with i’m grateful. Im so blessed with all the trials and tribulations god has given me. I may be struggling with my health and emotional state due to everything going on in my life. But I’m sober doing it. I wouldnt be able to say that a month or 2 ago. God puts all these things that we consider bad or traumatic not to harm us but to show us what we’re made out of. I know I can do hard things, long as he is by my side I got this. So next time you think about using or wanting to use ask yourself what has god done for me lately? What has he taught me from my experiences on the streets or deep into addiction? Now ask yourself is it worth it? You know you can do hard things so why not keep doing them. I heard a saying in rehab that I can really really relate to lately.. Learn to be okay sitting in the uncomfortable. Sometimes we don’t like certain shit in our lifes and we’re not used to it. So we go back to our old ways. I can tell you right now If i didn’t sit through the uncomfortable moments i’ve had lately I’d be back out using fucked up. That’s not the life god wants for me and its not what he wants for you. So sit in that uncomfortable moments and do this shit. This too shall pass. God bless
