Termination

A week after i got home from highland, I had medation court with DCFS to discuss my reunfication plans to get my daughter back. Now i knew my suicide attempt was going to set back my case but what happened was not near as what i thought was going to. That morning i got awoken by a police officer at my door serving me papers for comtempt of court. My first thought was wth, they are trying to throw me in jail for attempting suicide. I called my caseworker, she then refused to tell me what was going to happen at court and to contact my lawyer. I called him and he told me that they are moving to terminate. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried and cried and cried some more. How could they do this to me? I've been reaching out and getting help with therapist, more counceling, and now i feel as if i've been given up on. So i go to mediation a complete mess and they wanted me to sign my rights over that day. I just got served the paperwork, havent had anytime to think or cope with things, and they are expecting me to sign my heart away in a matter of hours later. I couldnt do it, i need more time to think. So they dismissed the contempt of court and gave me a week. I came home and cried for hours. Screaming in pain wishing to feel anything but how i was feeling. I didnt want my sister to adopt my daughter, i wanted her home. I wanted more time to prove myself. That i can become stable, that i can continue to focus on my recovery, that i can be her mother. But time in the states eyes ran out. They gave me to many chances and i failed them all. So with days of depression and my heart being gone no where to be seen i had a decision to make. Do i sign my rights over to my sister or do i go foward with trail and lose anyways? All that they have against me, my lawyer said their is absolutly no way i will win. What i wanted and still want is to fight, even if means lossing thats what i want. To go down kicking and screaming for my heart, my little girl. But i didnt do that. I really thought about everything that has happened and where i am at today and made the decision to sign. I didn't do it for myself, if i had it my way i would have fought. But i put my family through enough in my addiction days. I put my daughter threw missing her mother enough. I was through. I signed for her. My little girl deserves a happy healthy mother who can give her everything her heart desires. I can't do that right now. Right now i'm a shattered mirror that need to be replaced and fixed. I'm in therapy and im a wreck emotionally alot of the time. She dont need to nor deserves to hear or see me cry. She dont need to see her mother in pain. I love my daughter with all my heart and alway will be her mother no matter what the state says. I gave birth to her, i raised her, and  i will always love her. Right now she's got two mommies and shes okay with that. Shes happy where she is and loves the fact that i'm over at my sisters everyday all day spending time with her. 

        I see our future as me having her on weekends and doing a shared parenting with my sister and husband. I didnt sign her away and i never will. She will always be my little girl and ill always be her mommy susie <3 

Suicide- not meant to be part two!

After spending 5 days at Highland ridge hospital i went home. Made an appointment with a therapist for mental heath here in town and went from there. Therapy is hard, i spilled the beans to her about everything in my life. How i felt, what ive been through and how devistated i am in losing my daughter to dcfs and how badly i want her back. I also cried to her about how terriefied i am that i am pregnant again. I don't want to mess things up again. I cant live with myself if i were to.
         I cried and cried to someone who i just met now even an hour ago. But let me tell you how good it felt to let it all out and not hold that in any longer. Whats even greater about it all is the hope she gave me, that everything will eventually work out even though it may not seem that way right now. As long as i continue to stay sober and live by my values, morals, and beliefs. She then gave me a thought log, whenever i have thoughts about myself that are negative to write them down. I was then to write the rational things that supported it and the irrational things. The irrational things out weighed everything. I learned alot about myself with just reavaluating my thoughts about myself. I learned that i made some bad choices but they shouldn't define me. My addiction is not who i am but who i became for a time being due to foul decision making and my choices at a time. I may have been a bad mother for not being there when my daughter needed me but that does not mean i'm that person anymore. I've grown and have became a better person. A better daughter, mother, aunt, sister, cousin, and a member of society. Yes life gets hard and unfair and a straight pain in the ass sometimes but that doesn't mean I'm going to let life bring me down. I call the shots on how i feel, how i react, and how i choose to let things define me. I am my own person and nothing can take that away from me.
                    Suicide and depression are very real and scary. They haunt many of us in recovery just while were trying to figure it all out we get struck with many mental illnesses due to our addictions and tramas that follow with it. Don't let them define you like i did. Don't let them take control of your life. Seek help and counceling please. It very well has saved my life and gave me a new outlook and perspective on things. I now am very openminded when my mind used to be so closed. I used to see suicide as such a selfish and easy way out for people. I know now its not, when your continplating suicide you dont think of it as on easy way out or of being selfish. You look at it as a blessing, almost as a new beginning. Well when you come to your sences its not. There is so much more to life then you think. You just have to reach out for help and you'll find yourself. In the mist of chaos around you there is god. Remember that.
God bless and i love you all!
Susie

Suicide- Not meant to be!!

I haven't shared this about myself because i've been worried about what people will think, say, or judge me. But then again, the more i thought about it why the hell should i care? If sharing my personal stories and input helps others then I'm going to do it regardless. God didn't put me through all I've been through for me to be quiet about my experiences. I believe he gave me this life to help others and thats exactly what im going to do. So here goes.

           Recently, on april 30th, i relapsed on herion. Now i really don't like to call it a relapse because that wasnt my intention to get high or "have a good time." My intention was to kill myself, to leave this world behind because at that moment i felt no use to anyone. I was and still do struggle with depression ever since i got sober. Its like as soon as you get sober you see all the bad things that you've done and you beat yourself up about it. I've lost custody of my daughter(shes with family), destroyed a marriage, lost all my values and morals, and pretty much everything. I tried for months to remember the sober Susie, the always smiling, happy, optimstic mother and wife but i could hardly remember her. All i could see was what I'd hear or feel that people felt about me and what I've done in my life. That's that I'm a bad immature mother that can't seem to get her shit together for herself and her daughter. Hearing that and knowing that's what alot of people think of you really hits your ego hard. Makes you wonder why even try? So one day i was really really down in the dumps, reflecting on my past pains. The thought of not being alive sounded appealling or should i say inviting. My daughter is well taken care, my fiance wouldn't have to worry about me constantly anymore and neither would my family. It'd be better for everyone including myself was the thoughts going through my head. So there i was with my mind made up to end my life. I bought a gram of herion and ate it then i went to sleep for the night knowing i wouldn't wake up, or so i thought. Well the next morning i woke up, sick as shit but i did. I cried and cried, told my fiance what had happened and how upset i was that i was awake. I sure as hell didnt wanna be. He told me I had to call my DCFS worker and tell her what had happened. She immediatly came along with another worker and took me to the hospital. It was there that i found out i am pregnant. That was a huge shock, but it gave me a will to live for the time being. That is until i was able to find reasoning as to why i should continue my life. At the hospital after i found out i was pregnant they sent me to a psychiatric ward called highland ridge hospital. I stayed there for five days. It helped me some. I learned new coping skills and how to reach out for support which I hate doing. But its time I start talking to people more when i m struggling, cause the moment you think all is going well life sneaks up on you. Painful pasts mistakes and events sneak up on you and begin to haunt you. It sucks buts its life. What do you do in those moments of weaknesses or of hopelessness. I learned that you look for the good in things, where theres bad there is good. A little miracle right around the corner, you just have to hold on and look for it. No one is going to point it out to you. Its up to you to find that miracle god gave you and do something with it.
Remember when your struggling to keep holding on, pray, and wait for the little blessings that happen. God is good all the time and all the time god is good :)
Thank you and god bless!
Susie

Slacker!!!

Yup, that's me and I'm calling myself out on my bullshit. Alot has happened this past couple months that i just stopped writing altogether. You could say I went through quite a bit of a rough patch. But what matters most is that I made it through it and haven't given up on myself. I have alot of writing to catch up on and explaining to my fellow readers of where i have been. Lets just say god is testing me, and he's been testing me hard lately. To see where I am strong, where I am weak, and if i have what it takes. God is giving me alot of life lessons lately and all i can do is take them bits and bits at a time. But i make it through. Whether I'm living up to gods expectations that i will never know. I hope i am but all I can really do is do my damn hardest and always have faith and hope. I know with gods grace and my believing in him I can make it through anythings. So with all that being said I've got so catching up to do with you all. Its going to be quite a few posts to do so, bare with me and lets begin :)
Thank you and god bless
Susie