Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Suicide- Not meant to be!!


I haven't shared this about myself because i've been worried about what people will think, say, or judge me. But then again, the more i thought about it why the hell should i care? If sharing my personal stories and input helps others then I'm going to do it regardless. God didn't put me through all I've been through for me to be quiet about my experiences. I believe he gave me this life to help others and thats exactly what im going to do. So here goes.
           Recently, on april 30th, i relapsed on herion. Now i really don't like to call it a relapse because that wasnt my intention to get high or "have a good time." My intention was to kill myself, to leave this world behind because at that moment i felt no use to anyone. I was and still do struggle with depression ever since i got sober. Its like as soon as you get sober you see all the bad things that you've done and you beat yourself up about it. I've lost custody of my daughter(shes with family), destroyed a marriage, lost all my values and morals, and pretty much everything. I tried for months to remember the sober Susie, the always smiling, happy, optimstic mother and wife but i could hardly remember her. All i could see was what I'd hear or feel that people felt about me and what I've done in my life. That's that I'm a bad immature mother that can't seem to get her shit together for herself and her daughter. Hearing that and knowing that's what alot of people think of you really hits your ego hard. Makes you wonder why even try? So one day i was really really down in the dumps, reflecting on my past pains. The thought of not being alive sounded appealling or should i say inviting. My daughter is well taken care, my fiance wouldn't have to worry about me constantly anymore and neither would my family. It'd be better for everyone including myself was the thoughts going through my head. So there i was with my mind made up to end my life. I bought a gram of herion and ate it then i went to sleep for the night knowing i wouldn't wake up, or so i thought. Well the next morning i woke up, sick as shit but i did. I cried and cried, told my fiance what had happened and how upset i was that i was awake. I sure as hell didnt wanna be. He told me I had to call my DCFS worker and tell her what had happened. She immediatly came along with another worker and took me to the hospital. It was there that i found out i am pregnant. That was a huge shock, but it gave me a will to live for the time being. That is until i was able to find reasoning as to why i should continue my life. At the hospital after i found out i was pregnant they sent me to a psychiatric ward called highland ridge hospital. I stayed there for five days. It helped me some. I learned new coping skills and how to reach out for support which I hate doing. But its time I start talking to people more when i m struggling, cause the moment you think all is going well life sneaks up on you. Painful pasts mistakes and events sneak up on you and begin to haunt you. It sucks buts its life. What do you do in those moments of weaknesses or of hopelessness. I learned that you look for the good in things, where theres bad there is good. A little miracle right around the corner, you just have to hold on and look for it. No one is going to point it out to you. Its up to you to find that miracle god gave you and do something with it.
Remember when your struggling to keep holding on, pray, and wait for the little blessings that happen. God is good all the time and all the time god is good :)
Thank you and god bless!
Susie

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