Termination

A week after i got home from highland, I had medation court with DCFS to discuss my reunfication plans to get my daughter back. Now i knew my suicide attempt was going to set back my case but what happened was not near as what i thought was going to. That morning i got awoken by a police officer at my door serving me papers for comtempt of court. My first thought was wth, they are trying to throw me in jail for attempting suicide. I called my caseworker, she then refused to tell me what was going to happen at court and to contact my lawyer. I called him and he told me that they are moving to terminate. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried and cried and cried some more. How could they do this to me? I've been reaching out and getting help with therapist, more counceling, and now i feel as if i've been given up on. So i go to mediation a complete mess and they wanted me to sign my rights over that day. I just got served the paperwork, havent had anytime to think or cope with things, and they are expecting me to sign my heart away in a matter of hours later. I couldnt do it, i need more time to think. So they dismissed the contempt of court and gave me a week. I came home and cried for hours. Screaming in pain wishing to feel anything but how i was feeling. I didnt want my sister to adopt my daughter, i wanted her home. I wanted more time to prove myself. That i can become stable, that i can continue to focus on my recovery, that i can be her mother. But time in the states eyes ran out. They gave me to many chances and i failed them all. So with days of depression and my heart being gone no where to be seen i had a decision to make. Do i sign my rights over to my sister or do i go foward with trail and lose anyways? All that they have against me, my lawyer said their is absolutly no way i will win. What i wanted and still want is to fight, even if means lossing thats what i want. To go down kicking and screaming for my heart, my little girl. But i didnt do that. I really thought about everything that has happened and where i am at today and made the decision to sign. I didn't do it for myself, if i had it my way i would have fought. But i put my family through enough in my addiction days. I put my daughter threw missing her mother enough. I was through. I signed for her. My little girl deserves a happy healthy mother who can give her everything her heart desires. I can't do that right now. Right now i'm a shattered mirror that need to be replaced and fixed. I'm in therapy and im a wreck emotionally alot of the time. She dont need to nor deserves to hear or see me cry. She dont need to see her mother in pain. I love my daughter with all my heart and alway will be her mother no matter what the state says. I gave birth to her, i raised her, and  i will always love her. Right now she's got two mommies and shes okay with that. Shes happy where she is and loves the fact that i'm over at my sisters everyday all day spending time with her. 

        I see our future as me having her on weekends and doing a shared parenting with my sister and husband. I didnt sign her away and i never will. She will always be my little girl and ill always be her mommy susie <3