Suicide- not meant to be part two!

After spending 5 days at Highland ridge hospital i went home. Made an appointment with a therapist for mental heath here in town and went from there. Therapy is hard, i spilled the beans to her about everything in my life. How i felt, what ive been through and how devistated i am in losing my daughter to dcfs and how badly i want her back. I also cried to her about how terriefied i am that i am pregnant again. I don't want to mess things up again. I cant live with myself if i were to.
         I cried and cried to someone who i just met now even an hour ago. But let me tell you how good it felt to let it all out and not hold that in any longer. Whats even greater about it all is the hope she gave me, that everything will eventually work out even though it may not seem that way right now. As long as i continue to stay sober and live by my values, morals, and beliefs. She then gave me a thought log, whenever i have thoughts about myself that are negative to write them down. I was then to write the rational things that supported it and the irrational things. The irrational things out weighed everything. I learned alot about myself with just reavaluating my thoughts about myself. I learned that i made some bad choices but they shouldn't define me. My addiction is not who i am but who i became for a time being due to foul decision making and my choices at a time. I may have been a bad mother for not being there when my daughter needed me but that does not mean i'm that person anymore. I've grown and have became a better person. A better daughter, mother, aunt, sister, cousin, and a member of society. Yes life gets hard and unfair and a straight pain in the ass sometimes but that doesn't mean I'm going to let life bring me down. I call the shots on how i feel, how i react, and how i choose to let things define me. I am my own person and nothing can take that away from me.
                    Suicide and depression are very real and scary. They haunt many of us in recovery just while were trying to figure it all out we get struck with many mental illnesses due to our addictions and tramas that follow with it. Don't let them define you like i did. Don't let them take control of your life. Seek help and counceling please. It very well has saved my life and gave me a new outlook and perspective on things. I now am very openminded when my mind used to be so closed. I used to see suicide as such a selfish and easy way out for people. I know now its not, when your continplating suicide you dont think of it as on easy way out or of being selfish. You look at it as a blessing, almost as a new beginning. Well when you come to your sences its not. There is so much more to life then you think. You just have to reach out for help and you'll find yourself. In the mist of chaos around you there is god. Remember that.
God bless and i love you all!
Susie