Guilt into shame "What's eating you?"

Ever feel so guilty for something you've said or done that it just consumes you? Your daily activities are so difficult to do because you feel so distracted. Once the guilt begins to fester up inside overtime it turns into shame. What's the difference between the two you may ask. Well Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse (bad) for some offense, crime, or wrong doing. Shame is a painful feeling or belief about yourself to be flawed. So guilt not only turns into shame if you let it build up inside you. Then shame affects your self esteem and worth.Vicious cycle right? 

For me my guilt was my daughter going in to states custody. I couldn't help but feel guilty about it. This is all my fault. I shoulda done this or shoulda done that. I let that guilt build up and up over time and it was a cookie to my addiction monsters. The more guilt I felt the more I wanted to bury it. Deep down and never feel it again. So I buried it for some time with drugs trying to make myself feel "better". What do you think happened now? I began to feel Shame. My self esteem and worth crashed. I truly believed since I lost my daughter that I'd never be anything worthy again. So why did I let myself feel all these negative emotions of guilt and shame and just run rapid with them? Why didn't I take that guilt and use it as a positive asset instead of it becoming my demons dessert. When were deep in our addictions were in deep dark places of our life's. We can't see the good in one thing. It's like we seek out the bad almost as more the reason to use drugs and justify our actions to do so. Messed up thinking right? Don't worry, we we're all very ill then. But the real most important question now is when were faced with these feelings in recovery how do we deal with them positively without letting it get us down and revert back to old ways? We share our feelings with someone we trust, our councilors, sponsor or just anyone you feel comfortable with. DO NOT hold these feelings in!! That could be a next ticket or excuse to a relapse! Don't let that happen. Share your feelings and find a positive way to release them. Try telling yourself 5 positive affirmations a day. That has always helped me feel less guilty about my past heartache. 

I am strong.

I am beautiful. 

I am smart.

I am funny. 

I AM A GOOD MOTHER :) 

Thanks for reading! <3 God bless!

Grief feeding your addiction

Grief, we all experience it as we go through life its an unavoidable emotion that at some point we have to deal with. Its human nature and its just apart of life. Now when we go through grief we have to ask ourselves, are we going through the stages of grief in a healthy way? Or... Are we living in the grief, every day til it eats us alive? Many people in addiction do exactly just that. We live in it and let the grief become apart of us. Before long, we don't ever know how to be happy or feel the normal emotions at all. So what do we do with that grief? We bury it deep inside us with the underlining result of letting it feed our addictions. No longer do we just live in it, it lives deep inside of us. With this particular post, I want to teach every one the common stages of grief and how to handle grief in a healthy manner. You will need to know this to be able to deal with life on sober terms as i like to call it or to remain in recovery. So lets begin!! :)

1. Shock/numbness/denial

2. Anger/sadness/depression

3. Bargaining 

4. Acceptance

5. Letting go 

6. Moving on

Now i want you to know that these are the most common and healthy stages of grief. But every one is different and their own person so therefore not each stage of grief will be in this exact order. 

So i know many people including myself have a hard time picturing things unless they get or see an example. So im going to share one of my own experiences with these exact stages of grief during a difficult time in my life. 

In July of 2014, my daughter was taken out of my care and custody by DCFS (child services) and placed with my sister because of my drug use. I was using heroin and meth heavily, my parents were raising my daughter and DCFS was notified. At first i felt the shock/numbness/denial. How could this have happened to me? How did i become the monster I've never imagined in my life being? I asked myself these questions for days and days, walking by my daughters room i swear i could still hear her laughter in the house sometimes.So i began to live in my bedroom and never leave the house. I slept and used drugs all the time to try and escape my nightmare. I hated all the feelings of pure shock and sadness inside of me. So what does any normal addict do?  Shove those emotions deep inside themselves with drugs and try to numb the pain. It worked for a little while but that grief was eating me alive. No drug or no amount of drug could get rid of it. So i then began to try and mask that pain with the blame game and anger. Its all so and so's fault. He got me hooked on drugs now i cant stop. Or DCFS is just their to take kids away from parents. Anyone you can think of that i could blame and be angry at i did. I lived with my grief for almost 6 months. Finally when i did get sober i was able to go to the acceptance stage and let go on what was eating me alive.  But if you look back into my story what ways did i respond to the loss of custody of my daughter. 

Withdrawing from people

Feeling sad and sorry for myself

Feeling depressed

Feeling angry

Ignoring and covering up the problem and pain

and first and formost using alcohol and other drugs. Everyone responds to grief in a different way. We just have to find healthy ways to do so. Especailly as addicts or recovering addicts. Its far to easy to fall back into old ways and lifestyle we cannot let that happen. We are far to valuable and worth it! So how do we find a healthy way to deal with grief? Do you even stop to think am i dealing with my grief in a healthy way while were in the mist of full force grief and depression? No. So then how do we grieve healthy? I know it sounds hard to do but we have to train our brains. Sounds weird right? What worked for me when i first got sober and was going through emotions and feeling for the first time was PEMS. PEMS is a daily check in on yourself to see where your at Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and spiritually. Write it down in a journal day and night. If your struggling talk to someone. Dont be afraid to reach out to your support system. If you don't have one go to an AA or NA meeting, there are many people there that will do anything in their power to help you. 

Once you check in on your grief and see how your dealing now comes the time to develop the coping skills. 

Now i know everyone is different and each and everyone of us are our own person. So the ways we cope will be different. Here's some ideas: Go for walks, talk to a friend, tell people what helps you and what doesn't, prayer and meditation, support groups, journaling, exercise, getting involved in service, treat yourself with a spa day. Any one of these can and will help you. You know what i noticed the most about these coping skills and ideas is you can do almost all of these with someone. Don't isolate. Surround yourself with people who love you. Before you know it you will be laughing and enjoying life with grief in the shadows. 

To circle back to my story, im sure some of you are wondering what is the end of it. Well im overwhelmingly happy to say i see my daughter regularly and in the beginning of june i will be getting her back in my care permanently.I have to say there's no way i could have done it without my higher power and recovery. Its an amazing feeling to know you have overcame your demons and nightmare. Becoming the victor to my devil has been the greatest accomplishment I've done so far. Don't give up, know no matter what you are going through. God has a plan for you and maybe this is the test you need to show him that you can handle it. Keep on keeping on! 

Staying sober with loved ones as addicts

When we have drug addict family members that are still in their addictions, it is crucial for us to cut them out of our life's. It's a hard decision to make but I promise you that you won't regret it. My brother is an addict, addicted to the same thing i have struggles with and is still very active in his addiction. Do i talk to him? Or associate with him? No. Does that mean i don't miss him? Hell no, i miss the heck out of my other brother. I tried to still maintain our brother/sister relationship since i have gotten sober. Boy was that a mistake. You just cant be around old friends or using people when your clean and working the program. I found that i had nothing to talk about with him and that he was to concerned on himself to have a good time with me. I've never in my entire life have had a healthy sober relationship with my brother. Now that i'm sober i want it more than anything is this world. But do i go out of my way to help him or put my recovery at risk? No. I can't i know I'm far more to valuable and have worked to hard to let it all go down the toilet. I pray for my brother on a daily basis and hope he finds this new way of life. Its so much more rewarding and worth living. I'm not going to say it isnt a struggle cause i still occationally struggle with urges, triggers and user dreams. But i'd much rather have the struggles then to be living in them. Life is so much better and worth while now. In recovery, we get to experience new things every single day. Whether it be discovering a new hobbie, going out and having a good time sober, or just finding and discovering who you are. You get to do that EVERYDAY and boy i wouldn't change a thing now. So be grateful for what you got because our loved ones that are still in their addiction are dieing for our happiness and feelings of self worth. Take time to appreciate the little things but never underestimate your addiction. Protect yourself and recovery always.

With all the love in the world, Susie  

Forgiveness of our recovering addicts

Forgiveness is a hard one to swallow, especially when your a trooper to holding onto the past and having grudges. When you think of forgiveness you think of giving someone a second chance for what they've done wrong. But what about for you? A second chance for you to let go and move on. There's no need to carry all that hate on your shoulders. All the hate, remorse, resentments, and pain towards one another. It's just to much for one person to hold onto. So let go and let God take Care of the rest. In our addictions we do some pretty horrible and unforgettable things to people we love and ourselves. Our loved ones have a hard time of moving on and seeing the change in us and who we are today. Not who we were yesterday. This particular post is for loved ones of addicts. Recovering addicts. Trying to forgive them and learn to trust them again. Just remember were not who we were yesterday. Today is a miracle and so are we to be here today seeing as we made it through our own personal he'll. Forgive us, I know it takes time to do so. But don't hold that pain on your shoulders. It's exhausting and really useless to carry. Instead carry out love with you. We need you to be our rocks for our weak moments in our recovery. Guide us, walk beside us, and to help us find our ways.
Thank you. I hope you consider giving forgiveness a try! :)

Recovery for loved ones of addicts

I decided to write about this today because a year ago today I lost someone dear and close to me. She was lost in her addiction and couldn't get the help she needed in time. Also a couple months prior her brother lost his life as well. Addiction is a evil cruel disease. It don't discriminate against anyone. It's main goal is to take away dreams and sometimes life's. It's a painful non caring disease.   I've lost many friends to this disease, great wonderful souls with amazing potential for themselves. But when that demon takes over it's hard to take your control back. Eventually us addicts either lose our life's or come close to it and have to rebuild our structure again, brick by brick. Our family's help pick up the pieces as best as they can but if we unfortunately never were able to rebuild and lose the hard battle. Our family's are left with hurt, lost, pain, confusion, and guilt. What could I have done more? What should I have done less? Is this all my fault? No no and no. The loved one you have lost due to this unforgiving disease was not your loved one. Once addiction takes over it's like the loved one you have loved is gone and an alter ego is replaced. The way I put my addiction is my demon. So please all you out their struggling with a loss or pain feeling like it's your fault. Know it's not! Your family member is among the angels singing and dancing and rejoicing they are finally at peace their addiction bondage is gone. I pray for you all each and every day may you feel peace and love knowing they are in a better place watching over you. I also pray for the addicts in their addiction, may you receive help and a wake up call before it's to late. I refuse to keep burying friends.
Thank you for reading and God bless.

Living life on sober terms

When you first get introduced to recovery you will be amazed with all the new things you try and do. Normal everyday things that people do constantly. Pay bills.. who pays their bills when they have drugs to buy? Get groceries. Who needs to eat? Or actually go shopping for yourself or loved ones. I realized this the other day when I went food shopping. I was overwhelmed all day until I did because I've never done it before and didn't know what to buy, what were good deals, etc. But when I finally went what a great relief it was to know I'm capable to spend my Money on something besides drugs. Also when you start paying on past due bills you ignored in the past and they begin to pile up. Take  breath and come up with a budget that works best for you. I know I get overwhelmed with everyday tasks constantly because I'm not used to it. Change is hard to make and is tough. But I'd rather pay all my bills, have food in the house, caring for myself and family more than ever. Than any high or drug. Sober life can be very stressful at times especially when it's something you've never experienced before but it's worth all the stress and tears. Out of the dark comes happiness. The longer your sober more blessings will come your way.

Appreciation of recovery

It's amazing how much we take for granted our own personal well brings when were deep in addictions. We lose ourselves completely and have to hunt who we are down again. It's a process but worth it. We appreciate all the little things in life most people wouldn't take a second look too. Like I love yous mean so much more now, hugs and kisses from our kids, the long talk with our family's. Just everything in life brings a smile to our face. It all makes us happy. We have a genuine true smile and laugh in recovery. For example, I never used to snort when I laughed til I got sober. Because I haven't truly laughed since God knows how long. Or I find myself just smiling for no reason at all. The main reason is im grateful I've beat the devil and am still hear to tell my story. I truly believe anyone can beat their devil and come out stronger then ever. I know I did it when I never thought it were possible. Getting clean?? Me no way! Well I'm living proof that if I can do it, you can too! You too will appreciate life and everything around you becomes a gift and miracle from God. Your still here when many had their addiction take everything from them including their lives. So appreciate the little things it will get you far <3

Practicing honesty in recovery

I hear all the time whether it be in AA, groups, or with my therapist in order to have a successful recovery you have to practice a program of rigorous honesty. You cannot tell one lie. Even a little white lie some may first ask. Nope not even that. When I very first got sober I Did have a slip up and relapsed. At first I denied it and refused to myself that I did it. I was in deep denial. I started to ponder and try to learn from my relapse and I realized something. I was showing signs of relapse before it even happened. I was lieing not only to others but to myself on a constant basis. Finally after examining my relapse and learning from it. I did tell all my loved ones of my hidden use. But bottom line is if we can't be honest with ourselves then we sure as he'll can't with others. During our addictions we lie lie lie then lie some more to get what we want because it's all about us. Well so is recovery but just in a positive light. We must train ourselves to stay on that positive note and practice a program filled with integrity. Lieing we must leave in the past to let ourselves grow and prosper into the most beautiful people I know we can be. When you first get sober it's hard to be honest with yourself and others but give it time. Make a goal to tell a certain amount of truths a day and before you know it you will have developed a habit of being truthful! Also you won't have to remember all the lies you told cause it's all the truths. Just a thought. Give it a try! :)

Root of addiction

Many people ask what causes addiction? What makes someone become an addict? Do they wake up and just decide to use drugs or were they born with the addiction? Addiction is a disease. Not a choice. If it were a choice I can guarantee you not one addict would have choose this life. I say life because it truly becomes a lifestyle. You wake up and want drugs, get them, use them, and instantly are thinking about getting more and how. It's a constant go go go lifestyle. It doesn't stop. So how do we get to that point? What makes us an addict? I'm a firm believer in there's a root of all evil. Well there's a root to everyone's addiction whether it be trauma as a child, physical,mental, or emotional. Something caused you to use that first drug or take that first drink. To make you feel better or Normal. Right?  Discovering that is something you have to do on your own or from the help of a substance abuse counselor. But the moment you find the root of your evil is the moment you will begin your journey through recovery. You will be able to see and understand why you felt the need to do drugs. Work through your problems and feel better about yourself. For me, my root of my addiction is loneliness. I was not popular growing up and didn't have many friends. I was teased and picked on a lot in school. But the kids who did drugs sure had plenty of them and seemed to be happy and always having a good time. So I started using drugs to fit in and have friends. Not be a loner anymore. I never realized loneliness and wanting to just fit in was the root of my evil until my counselor helped me figure it out. All those years of trying to fit in and be like everyone else when I could have just been myself. Really bother me. But it was nice to realize the problem and talk about it. It's as if a weigh has been lifted off my shoulders and a kick start in my recovery began. So my suggestion to anyone struggling with addiction or knows someone struggling with it. Try to figure out the root or cause of it all the begin with. It will help you gain a better understanding of yourself and what kind of help you need to keep your sobriety in check!

My addiction transformed RECOVERY

 

My name is Susie Harper and I'm a recovering drug addict. I started using drugs at the age of fourteen and haven't stopped till recently. Now im twenty. So with seven years of full on addiction, you'd think I'd know a thing or two. For example, feeling that nothing can touch you, that you got this thing handled. You can control the addiction, right? Wrong! Dead wrong. Addiction doesn't care where your from, who you are, or if your on the honor roll. All it cares about is robbing you of everything you ever had till you feel there's no turning back. Leaving you life less without a soul wondering who you are and how to get back to who you were. But the real question behind that is if you don't know who you are then how can you find yourself when your in a strangers body living a strangers life? I asked myself that very question when I got sober. At first I was a wreck, trying to learn how to live and understand life concepts all over again. Its as if I were a child in an adults body trying to relearn everything again. Eating, sleeping, socializing, structure, and even walking were a challenge for me. Eating, who eats right when their on drugs? Or at all for that matter. So when it came time to actually start eating i didn't know what to do or eat. I didn't want to get "fat" but I knew I needed to gain weight. Sleeping, I either slept to much or not enough. So trying to find a medium balance between the two that was not only healthy but right for me was difficult. Too much sleep, I got depressed. Not enough, im non coherent. Socializing, that was a huge one for me to relearn. During the last couple months of my addiction I isolated from the world. Hiding out in my room ashamed of whoever I was. So as I hid out from the world its as if I forgot how to communicate with people or interact with them. Structure, how do I cope or deal with structure when im so used to craziness around me. Just living day by day trying to get by. Walking, learning to walk around actually noticing and becoming aware of life around me was quite an interesting one. I began to look for the little miracles everywhere around me each day. All these things and many more I have had to learn to live life on sober terms. Some wise man in an AA room once told me the to stay sober the only thing you need to change about yourself is EVERYTHING. I never took it so seriously til I began to see all the changes I've made about myself and my life. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it worth it?? Yes yes and yes.

 Recovery has and continues to change my life everyday. I actually stop to smell the roses. I get down on my knees and pray for guidance. I live life not just exist in it. Recovery has gave me back my life and taught me how to actually live and enjoy many things. Along my broken path and roads I have found myself. Oh what a true gift and miracle that is! So now you know a little bit about me I would like to share the reason of this blog. As you may know, I've been through a lot when it comes to addiction and recovery. So if I can take my knowledge, life experiences, and education on addiction to help others then I'll take part in saving life's. Who wouldn't want that :) I'm going to try my hardest with all I got to educate/help addicts who still suffer, recovering addicts, and loved ones of addicts to better understand the addiction and what their going through. To help them get sober and stay sober. Down to what to do if you relapse. The main point of my blog is to help and educate!! Thank you and I hope you keep on reading my future posts. Comment if you'd like me to write about something in specific.