Grief feeding your addiction

Grief, we all experience it as we go through life its an unavoidable emotion that at some point we have to deal with. Its human nature and its just apart of life. Now when we go through grief we have to ask ourselves, are we going through the stages of grief in a healthy way? Or... Are we living in the grief, every day til it eats us alive? Many people in addiction do exactly just that. We live in it and let the grief become apart of us. Before long, we don't ever know how to be happy or feel the normal emotions at all. So what do we do with that grief? We bury it deep inside us with the underlining result of letting it feed our addictions. No longer do we just live in it, it lives deep inside of us. With this particular post, I want to teach every one the common stages of grief and how to handle grief in a healthy manner. You will need to know this to be able to deal with life on sober terms as i like to call it or to remain in recovery. So lets begin!! :)

1. Shock/numbness/denial

2. Anger/sadness/depression

3. Bargaining 

4. Acceptance

5. Letting go 

6. Moving on

Now i want you to know that these are the most common and healthy stages of grief. But every one is different and their own person so therefore not each stage of grief will be in this exact order. 

So i know many people including myself have a hard time picturing things unless they get or see an example. So im going to share one of my own experiences with these exact stages of grief during a difficult time in my life. 

In July of 2014, my daughter was taken out of my care and custody by DCFS (child services) and placed with my sister because of my drug use. I was using heroin and meth heavily, my parents were raising my daughter and DCFS was notified. At first i felt the shock/numbness/denial. How could this have happened to me? How did i become the monster I've never imagined in my life being? I asked myself these questions for days and days, walking by my daughters room i swear i could still hear her laughter in the house sometimes.So i began to live in my bedroom and never leave the house. I slept and used drugs all the time to try and escape my nightmare. I hated all the feelings of pure shock and sadness inside of me. So what does any normal addict do?  Shove those emotions deep inside themselves with drugs and try to numb the pain. It worked for a little while but that grief was eating me alive. No drug or no amount of drug could get rid of it. So i then began to try and mask that pain with the blame game and anger. Its all so and so's fault. He got me hooked on drugs now i cant stop. Or DCFS is just their to take kids away from parents. Anyone you can think of that i could blame and be angry at i did. I lived with my grief for almost 6 months. Finally when i did get sober i was able to go to the acceptance stage and let go on what was eating me alive.  But if you look back into my story what ways did i respond to the loss of custody of my daughter. 

Withdrawing from people

Feeling sad and sorry for myself

Feeling depressed

Feeling angry

Ignoring and covering up the problem and pain

and first and formost using alcohol and other drugs. Everyone responds to grief in a different way. We just have to find healthy ways to do so. Especailly as addicts or recovering addicts. Its far to easy to fall back into old ways and lifestyle we cannot let that happen. We are far to valuable and worth it! So how do we find a healthy way to deal with grief? Do you even stop to think am i dealing with my grief in a healthy way while were in the mist of full force grief and depression? No. So then how do we grieve healthy? I know it sounds hard to do but we have to train our brains. Sounds weird right? What worked for me when i first got sober and was going through emotions and feeling for the first time was PEMS. PEMS is a daily check in on yourself to see where your at Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and spiritually. Write it down in a journal day and night. If your struggling talk to someone. Dont be afraid to reach out to your support system. If you don't have one go to an AA or NA meeting, there are many people there that will do anything in their power to help you. 

Once you check in on your grief and see how your dealing now comes the time to develop the coping skills. 

Now i know everyone is different and each and everyone of us are our own person. So the ways we cope will be different. Here's some ideas: Go for walks, talk to a friend, tell people what helps you and what doesn't, prayer and meditation, support groups, journaling, exercise, getting involved in service, treat yourself with a spa day. Any one of these can and will help you. You know what i noticed the most about these coping skills and ideas is you can do almost all of these with someone. Don't isolate. Surround yourself with people who love you. Before you know it you will be laughing and enjoying life with grief in the shadows. 

To circle back to my story, im sure some of you are wondering what is the end of it. Well im overwhelmingly happy to say i see my daughter regularly and in the beginning of june i will be getting her back in my care permanently.I have to say there's no way i could have done it without my higher power and recovery. Its an amazing feeling to know you have overcame your demons and nightmare. Becoming the victor to my devil has been the greatest accomplishment I've done so far. Don't give up, know no matter what you are going through. God has a plan for you and maybe this is the test you need to show him that you can handle it. Keep on keeping on!