Venting- a true relapse prevention!

Ever feel like you have a million thoughts and voices talking in your head all at once? Feelings that you've supressed deep down inside of you that are just begging to get out? All these emotions and feelings deep inside you just feel like they're eating you alive. Maybe its guilt, depression, worry, regret, stress or whatever the case may be. We have all been there, especially in the beginning of sobriety. Please know,  you don't have to go through this painful process alone. Also you don't need to or have to feel that way. God gave us all such wonderful gifts two ears and one mouth. We will luckily we can use them to our own advantage when we're having life stressers. My fiance says this all the time and its oh so true, "Us addicts can take a mole hill and make it into a mountain."  What he means by It's just how our brains are wired because of the drugs and the lifestyle behind it all. We're just so used to avioding life all together. So when the time comes to sober up and face it head on we struggle bad!

The littlest most simplest things that others do everyday without a problem become a challenge. Having structure, paying bills, socailizing, and just taking resposibility for ourselves overwhelm the hell out of us. So what do we do from here? Use the gifts God gave us, our mouths and ears. We get our ourselves to an AA or NA meeting or call our sponser/family member and let it all out. Then listen to the feedback given to us and take what will help us. I know how scary and difficult it is to be and feel that vunerable but trust me it helps alot! Just taking 15 minutes out of your day and have a full on vent session very well might save your life. Many people fail to realize that its not always the huge things that lead up to a relapse. It can be something as simple as someone at work pisses you off. Letting everything just keep building up and up inside till we relapse. For me, at the beginning of sobriety I didn't take it seriously at all. I went AA meetings, I listen but never share or really talk to anyone there. Basicly I was just going to get my card signed and leave. Old using friends I kept in touch with every now and then. I thought I was doing everything right because I was sober. But then I started to struggling bad. Trying to be an adult and sober is hard and I was discovering that with the more responsibiltys I got, the harder it was. But I just couldn't seem to figure out why everything was so damn difficult. Finally after a month or two of being stressed out. I got sick of how I was feeling and I talked at an AA meeting. Everyone probably thought I was crazy going on a 10 minute rant but it helped. I let it all out what was killing me inside was finally free. I could breathe again. Although my problems didn't go away overnight but with everyones suggestions it made them easier and bareable. If it wasn't for that venting and talking about my problems I could have easily relapsed. Myself and many others are proof, it works. So I urge you to not be scared, to reach out and admit your struggling. We've all have had our fair share of struggles. We got through them with the help of other. This is proof that together recovery is possible!

Thank you and God bless- Susie 

Lost souls- Mourning for a loved one whom is still alive

When someone you love or truely care about is still out there suffering in the full grasp of addiction its heartbreaking. Everytime you see them, hear the way they talk, see the way they act, you can't help but think to yourself what happened? Who is that person i once loved? Are they still in there or are they lost forever? Now that I'm in recovery, i see the way how i probably used to act whenever i see old friends and some loved ones of mine in their addiction. It hurts to see how i used to be, also now i feel the pain I put my family through. Let me tell you it sucks. I worry about my loved one (wont mention who for privacy purposes) constantly. Not a day goes by that i don't wonder how he's doing, if he's trying to get clean, if hes overdosing somewhere, or even alive. The only time i hear from this individual is when he wants something. Money to  help him cause he can't pass a drug test to get a job. :/ I feel horrible saying no because we used to be so close but i refuse to enable him. I pray that he may hit his bottom soon whenever that may be. I hope its jail and not like many other people in addictions bottoms. Death.. I hate thinking about it, but thats a real true possibility when it comes to addiction. Hence why none of us plan for a future. So for now I just mourn the loss of such a loved one i could have. He's lost and I wish i could help him find his way like i have. But i have to respects god's plan and journey for him. Many of us addicts or non addicts just family members of addicts know someone in addiction whom we knew when they were sober. Its almost as we mourn the sober persons soul because for the time being its gone. All we have left is their body and someone whom we do not know. A stranger. Well theirs one thing we can do besides worry, cry, and fight with them.. Pray pray and pray some more. For god's will and plan to save them. Never forget that god is good all the time, and all the time god is good. He's watching over our loved ones i promise. Just think of it as they had to take the broken path to find the right one.
Thank you and God Bless <3 Susie

By the grace of god

Take a moment and listen to this song. Really let the meaning sink in. For me this is my addiction recovery song and i'm sure many of you can relate. This song hit me hard the first time i heard it i bawled like a baby. The part where she sings " found i wasnt so tough, laying on a bathroom floor." That was me. My first overdose. I did one to many, that's all it took. Next thing you know I'm unconcious, huge goose egg on my head from falling into the shower door, and a needle still in my arm. Thats the harsh reality of addiction. I got so bad that my life could have ended on the bathroom floor just like that. But for some reason i didn't. An hour later i came back. Woke up in a tremendous amount of pain, not to meantion a huge absesnt in my arm. But i woke up and was alive. I wish i could say that was my rock bottom but it wasn't. I keep digging my hole and using for quiete some time. But that day something changed inside of me. I looked around and really looked at my life. I thought damn how did it get this bad? How could my life become my worst nightmare? When am i going to come out of hell? I seriously was sick of the lifestyle and all the choices i was making. I missed my little girl, my family, having a job, just everything. I missed being a normal human being. Not some monster whom i didnt reconize anymore. I was living on a fault line just like katy perry states in this song. I never knew when or what day was going to be my last. I contemplated suicide many times. But somehow through all the choas, god was still there. His grace got me through my hell. Now i put one foot in front of the other every saturday at my AA home group when i say the serenity prayer. God has plans for me and decided to keep me around. I'm very blessed and thankful for him. Each day i strive to live by him, his morals, and his values. Before doing anything or making a decision ask yourself, "What would jesus do?" If you have to question it some more it probably isnt the right choice. I know god has a plan for each and every one of us addicts or he wouldn't have put us on this path.We're strong people to have gone through what we have or are still going through. Just remember to put one foot in front of the other and decide to stay.
Thank you and god bless :) Susie

Alittle bit of Faith can go a long way :)

Having faith? It's definitely a hard thing to grasp while holding hands with the devil. All we see is darkness no light. Luckly for me i will always have alittle bit of Faith in my life no matter what. My little girls middle name is faith. I never had a true understanding of faith or knew the meaning when i chose that middle name for her til now. I needed that faith to get through all I've been through to get back to reality. To be alive again.  My father, when i was off using drugs was the only person who truely never gave up on me. After all, i am daddys little girl. He was always posting inspriational quotes and pictures throughout each day on my facebook. In hopes something would click in my heart to start it again. So i could get sober. But nothing every really did. What always stood out to me was the pictures and posts that had faith in them. I knew somewhere inside my heart i named my baby that for a reason. Finally when i began actually working my program after being out of jail. Sober a month, not by choice. I understood the meaning of faith. I began to believe in god again and had faith that he will always be with me in the struggles of my recovery. Faith and believing that i don't have to go through this alone. In each positive change i continue to make in life everything will be okay. Why? Because i have my faith in the lord that no matter what challenges he has for me i can get through them just fine. Hell, I've already completed one of his biggest life test for me. Fighting off my demons into recovery. And if for whatever reason in my life if i lose my faith all i have to do is look into those sweet baby blue eyes. I will always have alittle faith in my life <3

Thank you and God bless. Susie 

Your love is killing me.. Literally.

Enablers. We all have them throughout our lifes. Addict or not, adult or child, male or female. You have or still do have an enabler in your life. What is an enabler? Its a person who removes natural conquences to a persons' behavior. As a child, a parent may be enabling their child by not providing any punishmint to bad behavior. So the behavior continues. As an adult, your parents might enable you from growing up by letting you continue to live with them resposibility free. So the adult continues to act as if a teenager, responsibility free. There are many ways people can enable others. So why do people enable? Maybe the enabler is having a hard time letting go of their loved one? Maybe they feel that they are helping them? In addiction, its that very love from an enabler thats killing us. Us addicts love your support and that we can call you anytime were in need. Money? No problem. Need a ride? Heres' my car. The enabler may love the feeling of being needed or wanted. Or just the fact of having you around, knowing your alive and safe. They don't stop to think of the conquences of them helping you because they truely feel they are helping you. Just like us, in our addiction do we really stop to think? No. What we do stop to think about is more ways to manipulate others into getting what we want and how we want it, right now. That insant gradification keeps fueling our addictions.

                      My fiance, whom is on the road to recovery with me as well was deep in addiction at the same time as me. We used together in other words. He was my enabler. We didn't have the same drug of choice, mine was heiron, his was meth. I still used meth with him but preferred opiates. Now, whenever i went or started to go through my withdrawls, he'd get me some dope. He hated the way i was and how i acted on herion but he also hated seeing me in so much pain. He saw how the demon of herion literally was ripping my soul from my body each time more and more. But he couldn't stop helping me. If he tried, I'd beg and beg for hours on end til he got me my next fix. He loved me so much even if it meant loving me to death he'd do it. They say in AA and NA where I'm from alot that "your love is killing me". What they mean by that is the enabler is helping fuel our addictions, which is killing us, inside and out. What we really need is someone to show and give us tough love. When we're active in our addictions, holding the devils hand. We will do anything in our power to grasp hold of them enablers and drag them down with us. Now that we're in recovery, its not only us that truely needs to recover from our drug/alcohol addictions. Our family, friends, and or loved ones do too. They need to learn to be able to say no just as much as we need to. They need to learn to show tough love. So when you have weak moments, which let me tell you, for me happen quite often. They can stand firm and their ground and be strong for you. That my friends, is the kind of love that saves you.
Thank you and God bless <3 Susie

Blessed Road- My happiness/blessings

So i haven't had really anyone send me their blessed storys of what their grateful for sobriety. Im bummed about it but i figured i could just share somethings I'm truely grateful for and wouldn't have without sobriety. 

About this time last year i was bad on drugs. When i say bad thats an understatement, i was horrible. I had custody of my daughter but at the same sence i didnt. My family was caring for her when i was off doing my own selfish things. Me and my fiance were using drugs non stop and had people over at our house quite often. Now to the present moment, this time this year :) I was able to take my daughter over to my house and show her room and play with her. We watch movies, laugh, dance, sing, we do everything together. Although I don't have custody of her completely back yet I see her all the time and we are best friends. She's truely the peanut butter to my jelly <3 My daughter is the greatest blessing I have in my life today. Without my sobriety I most definity wouldn't have her along with a number of things. Such as a place to call home, a job, structure in my life, my family, my fiancé and his family, and above all I wouldn't have myself. I'd be lost in a world where none of us belong, a false reality, just searching for some since of normal. So I urge you today to look at your blessings in your life today. Hug your children more, laugh and dance, and just live your life like there's no tomorrow because we finally have what we've been searching for. A life that we want no love to live each moment. 

God bless you all <3 Susie

-For the addict that's out there today, we pray for you and are always here for you. There is hope. God does love and care for you. Your families love you and worry about you. Reach out for support, I know its difficult trust me I've been in your shoes. But come to a meeting nearest you and ask for help. There are people there who will love you til you learn to love yourself again <3

Discovering your Higher Power

Higher power?? What the heck is that? Who is that? You may ask these very same questions when you first enter recovery. Higher power is a god of your understanding. Don't feel stupid if you didn't understand that term cause i didnt either til someone explained it to me. Also i asked those same questions at the beginning. For the longest time in our addictions we're so focused on me me me. We don't stop to think about god or any higher being. If we did maybe we would have had an easier time of sobriety and maintaining it for life. So when it comes to the idea of a god or "higher power" we shut off. As soon as we hear the word god, were not there. Its in one ear and out the other. Let me share my experience with you in finding my higher power. I was having a very difficult time with the whole "staying sober for the rest of my life" idea. The thought of that was so overwhelming for me that i just kept relapsing. I'd have very short periods of being sober but after not even a week i'd use again. I even went to rehab twice but left both times. This continued for months and months at a time. All while being under the supervision of DCFS trying to get custody of my little girl back. Well DCFS saw the trouble I was having and decided to hold me contempt of court for 30 days in hopes that achiving some clean time with help me easily remain sober. At first i was upset, i really didn't know how to feel about being sober for a whole month. But i had no choice. I had no idea that those very 30 days would change my life forever. In jail i met many different types of women. Ones who didn't care, ones in denial about their addictions, and ones who desperatly wanted to change. Those women saved my life. One women in particular. She took me under her wing for those 30 days, which by the way in jail seem like an eternity. She became my sponser in jail and helped me work the steps. I felt an overwhelming feeling of joy and peace while working the steps with her. I also sat with her in church. I went to all the churchs that i could. They have non demational, bible study, lds, and im sure theres many others. But i loved it. Actually having a friend who cares about me and helps me discover who i am. Who my god is. Now thats a real angel. She got me into reading the bible. Something which i haven't done in years. I kept feeling this new found peace inside of me which my addiction had taken away. Now i always search for that peace in my heart, and when I need it all i need to do is pray and i feel it. Its truely an amazing feeling once you begin to find out and discover who are again. Who your god is again. We become so caught up and lost in our addiction that we get sober its overwhemling. We begin to question everything. Who am i? Thats the biggest one I struggled with for months. But after i figured out who i am and who i want to continue to be, i found god. My god. It sucks that it went to the extremes of having to be in jail. Locked away from society to figure it out. But I'm so thankful for DCFS, jail, the women in jail that cared, and most importantly my god. So i suggest take your time figuring out who you are. It may take a while but its well worth it when you know who you are again. You feel peace and comfort in your heart and soul. No more questioning anything. You just know. Try praying when your struggling. God listens to you even when you dont think so. Hes there. <3
Thanks for reading and god bless Susie :)

I am blessed

Last weekend my grandmother was hospitalized for what seemed to be as a stroke. She was moved from tremonton hospital to ogden then to Murry hospital. Murry hospital is quite huge to put it lightly. It has five different buildings. Well my father, mother, and I went up to visit my grandma and we were only at building one when she was at building five. So the woman at the front desk called in a shuttle to take us to building five. Thats when i met one of the most amazing man with a completely different perspective than most. The driver. As he drove us to where my grandma was he kept saying, "I am blessed and have a blessed life." Then he told us why. He had a total knee replacement back in december and has to have another surgery on his new knee in july. He has pain every single day but hes' blessed with that pain. Why you may ask? To feel happiness for the pain you suffer every day. He looks at it as a miracle, a blessing to have a knee. He told us about how he knew a guy who came here from africa and got trapped for three days in a terrable blizzard in his car. This guys story didn't turn out so great. He lost both legs and hands. So the bus driver told us, "I still got both my legs and hands so who am i to complain about a sore knee, therefore i am blessed. God has truely blessed me." That really sunk in deep with me. Heres a man who deals with pain on a daily basis but smiles and strives through it. Because he is blessed. If all of us could just take a second out of our day and write a graditude list or just think of all we have then maybe we could achive some of that blessed perspective on our lifes. I know many of us including myself struggle with looking at the bright side of things after losing so much due to our addictions. But when we really ponder on it, what have we gained? A chance for a new day, to live a better tomorrow, a future, and so much more. Sobriety is amazing and i continue to learn and grow each day I'm sober. We all do. Therefore we are all blessed in our own way. <3
Thank you and god bless.