Discovering your Higher Power

Higher power?? What the heck is that? Who is that? You may ask these very same questions when you first enter recovery. Higher power is a god of your understanding. Don't feel stupid if you didn't understand that term cause i didnt either til someone explained it to me. Also i asked those same questions at the beginning. For the longest time in our addictions we're so focused on me me me. We don't stop to think about god or any higher being. If we did maybe we would have had an easier time of sobriety and maintaining it for life. So when it comes to the idea of a god or "higher power" we shut off. As soon as we hear the word god, were not there. Its in one ear and out the other. Let me share my experience with you in finding my higher power. I was having a very difficult time with the whole "staying sober for the rest of my life" idea. The thought of that was so overwhelming for me that i just kept relapsing. I'd have very short periods of being sober but after not even a week i'd use again. I even went to rehab twice but left both times. This continued for months and months at a time. All while being under the supervision of DCFS trying to get custody of my little girl back. Well DCFS saw the trouble I was having and decided to hold me contempt of court for 30 days in hopes that achiving some clean time with help me easily remain sober. At first i was upset, i really didn't know how to feel about being sober for a whole month. But i had no choice. I had no idea that those very 30 days would change my life forever. In jail i met many different types of women. Ones who didn't care, ones in denial about their addictions, and ones who desperatly wanted to change. Those women saved my life. One women in particular. She took me under her wing for those 30 days, which by the way in jail seem like an eternity. She became my sponser in jail and helped me work the steps. I felt an overwhelming feeling of joy and peace while working the steps with her. I also sat with her in church. I went to all the churchs that i could. They have non demational, bible study, lds, and im sure theres many others. But i loved it. Actually having a friend who cares about me and helps me discover who i am. Who my god is. Now thats a real angel. She got me into reading the bible. Something which i haven't done in years. I kept feeling this new found peace inside of me which my addiction had taken away. Now i always search for that peace in my heart, and when I need it all i need to do is pray and i feel it. Its truely an amazing feeling once you begin to find out and discover who are again. Who your god is again. We become so caught up and lost in our addiction that we get sober its overwhemling. We begin to question everything. Who am i? Thats the biggest one I struggled with for months. But after i figured out who i am and who i want to continue to be, i found god. My god. It sucks that it went to the extremes of having to be in jail. Locked away from society to figure it out. But I'm so thankful for DCFS, jail, the women in jail that cared, and most importantly my god. So i suggest take your time figuring out who you are. It may take a while but its well worth it when you know who you are again. You feel peace and comfort in your heart and soul. No more questioning anything. You just know. Try praying when your struggling. God listens to you even when you dont think so. Hes there. <3
Thanks for reading and god bless Susie :)