Relapsing sucks! After you've come so far in your recovery and you fall. Even if it's just a couple days sober, your trying. To feel like you've failed and let not only yourself but everyone around you down. It's like a slap in your face. You automatically feel guilt, shame, depressed, hopeless, hurt, lost, and above all a failure. You begin to wonder why you did it. You thought you were so strong in your recovery then bam! In a blink of an eye your right back to where you were before wondering what the he'll. I know I've been there. There were so many occasions of me trying to stay sober I couldn't do it. No matter how much I tried I felt hopeless. One relapse really has stuck out to me though. I was about a month sober and had to work that day but was having an off day.. So I called in claiming I was sick. I sat around bored and was thinking about everything in the past 6 months that has happened in my life. I instantly got depressed. The thought of using crossed my mind almost instantly.Then, the cravings begin to settle in. The feelings of wanting it, needing it, and the chase begun. Before i could even think about what i was doing i was well on the way to my next fix. I called an old friend to see if they had anything and i was well on my way to get high. As i began to walk to his house, my new side of my brain started to kick in. My recovery side that is. I started to beat myself up emotionally, wondering what the hell am I thinking. But it's like i couldn't stop my legs from moving. As if some other external force had taken over my body and as much as i wanted to turn around i just couldn't. The closer i got the more i prayed to god for some kind of sign that this was not part of his plan only then would i turn around. But there was no sign near in my sight that i could see. So i kept on going. I got to my friends house and within minutes i was high. The vicious cycle started all over again. Even though i was high the feelings of disappointment and worthlessness was overwhelming me to the core. What in the hell was i thinking? After everything you've accomplished Susie, come on really? After feeling all the negative emotions that follow with a relapse i then decided to get home. So i walked back home and when i get there i tred to play it off as if nothing happened. My fiance is a recovering addict as well so he's not stupid when it comes to the drug world and game. He already knew i was loaded 10 sheets to the wind. He preceded to kick me out i started yelling at him and starting all this drama. Then the missionaries showed up. Ah so much discontent going on. So i left for a while. My fiance then talked some common sense into me and i came home. When I got home, I decided to call my family, loved ones, and case worker to tell them what had happened. So after hearing my relapse lets biopsy it.
Can you identify some of my risky behaviors that are on the list provided above?
- No time management skills- too much idle time
- Phone calls to old using friend
- Going back to old "Haunts"
Whats your recovery motive? What do you see yourself accomplishing in 1 to 5 years? Dreams, goals, careers, anything? Really dig into that and think about it. Make a recovery vision board for yourself. Imagine all the things you want to accomplish without ever having a drink or drugs. The sky is the limit. We all crawled out of our own deep dark graves. Its time we rise up against our demons and the devil look them straight in the eye and say, "I did this, I beat you, your plan was to destroy me. Well guess what? I destroyed you!" Oh the power you will feel standing on your own sky scraper that you build with your own hard work! I can only imagine.
Relapse triggers and warning signs. There are so many things out there that are peoples triggers. Certian feelings, moods, movies, books, places, things, and even words. Identifying your triggers and knowing the warning signs that follow. Know when your in relapse mode (lapsing). Write out your triggers and warning signs to give to close family and friends. Get them active in your recovery. With them active in your recovery you wont have to worry. What if I'm so deep into my lapsing and already made up my mind to use but don't even realize it? That's when Mom can step in and put your butt in check.
Finally last but not least, identifying your well-being needs and putting the plan into action. Now what that means is basically are you taking care of yourself? Deep in our addictions we just didn't care if we showered, went to the doctor when needed, kept on on personal hygiene, or even got out of our pajamas. We just didn't give a flying f. Now that we're in recovery, we truely care how we look or if we are healthy. The moment we stop caring again that should trigger your alarms in your recovery brain :) So now we need to put our plan into action. Write it out, carry it with you as a reminder, whatever it is you have to do to stay sober just do it. As long as you get a plan implanted into your brain is the main key and will help you in your sobriety greatly. To many times have i relapsed or seen others relapse. When i ask myself or others if they had a plan and stuck to it. Nine times outta ten they either don't have one or forgot. Please sit down and figure out a plan. Its time to get serious and real honest with others. Lets get real with our recovery! :)
Thank you for reading and god bless! <3 Susie
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